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UMD Student Reports Fake Stabbing On The Way To Main Commencement

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Graduation is scary. We must leave the magical world of debauchery and casual sex we call “undergraduate life” for the real world, a place I’m told frowns upon both of these things. That said, “fake stabbing” seems like the worst choice on the list of options for staving off that march across the stage. One UMD student decided that this was apparently her best option, and reported one to 9-1-1 on her walk to commencement yesterday morning.

I have to say, when I got the text, it didn’t surprise me. Robberies are pretty par for the course here. You can’t go more than a week here without being notified that a student was robbed off-campus for their iPhone and whatever meager change they had on them at the time. The worst part is, the cops here can’t always do much on their end, because the suspects flee back toward DC via metro half the time. It just seemed poetically fitting to have it happen right in the middle of commencement, like it was summing up the last four years.

Of course, it turned out to be fake, which caused people to ask a lot of questions. Mostly, “Who fakes a stabbing while walking to graduation?”

Answer: a crazy person.

Police haven’t found her motive yet, despite her confessing. My guess would be stress or fear of graduating.

[via The Diamondback]

Image via University of Maryland – RH Smith


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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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