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UFC Champion Jon Jones Goes To Rehab Because He Doesn’t Know How Cocaine Works

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UFC Champ Jon Jones Goes To Rehab Because He Doesn't Know How Cocaine Works

It pains me when athletes fuck up things that are really easy not to fuck up. Why any of them get DUIs or miss practice because of a party just baffles me. There are very few things that an athlete is responsible for outside of his job, so when any of them fuck up one of those simple things, it just makes me slap my head. In this case, the athlete in question is Jon “Bones” Jones, the reigning UFC light heavyweight champion and a contender for the “scariest man in the world” title. Prior to defending his title last weekend, Jones failed a drug test and has entered rehab since the fight. Why was he allowed to fight if he failed a drug test? Because he didn’t test positive for PEDs. He tested positive for cocaine.

That’s right. Coke–the drug that leaves no trace in your body after three days. Look, I’m not begrudging Bones for dipping his schnoz in Bolivian power flour; the Lord knows I’ve had my fair share of interactions with the white substance. But I didn’t get my snort on less than three fucking days before a time in my life when I knew FOR A FACT that I would be tested. Hell, when was weigh-in relative to this test? Given the number of fluids he was expelling from his body to cut weight, he very well might have been cramming powder up his booger cave in the car before going in to be tested.

I’m not going to make any assumptions about whether Bones has an actual booger sugar problem or if this is a PR move, but my guess is that if you can’t keep your face vacuum away from the metaphorical white girl long enough to pass a test you know is coming, then you probably have a problem. Best of luck at Promises or wherever you are, Bones. You still terrify me, even if you are hilariously dumb.

[via MMA Junkie]

Image via YouTube

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Sterling Cooper

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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