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Ah, good old Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life at my lovely alma mater, the University of Central Florida. They sure have a knack for crafting together articulate email after articulate email. You’ll recall they warned all of Greek life about the dangers of “Netflix and Chill” back in September. Just typing that phrase again made me cringe as much as the “helpful” tips they provided to not get date raped to the theme song of It’s Always Sunny.

Well now OFSL is back at it again with another fire email to promote an open discussion on masculinity in fraternity life.

Just a bunch of totally heterosexual guys willingly getting together to spend their Thursday afternoon enjoying some non-alcoholic refreshments, opening up to one another about their feelings. Nothing gay about that. It’s in the fine print: “No homo, bro.”

Not exactly sure why we’re exploring what masculinity in a fraternity looks like in the first place. Pretty sure we got that covered in our robin’s egg blue polos and salmon, nuthugging, 5″ inseam shorts. Pastels and neon are alpha as fuck. That’s just indisputable cold hard fact.

So you’ve held a pledge brother’s (or five’s) package in procession or raced with a cucumber shoved halfway up your dirtstar for the enjoyment of your pledge master, that doesn’t mean you’re any less of a man. As long as you say “no homo” immediately after it’s as if it never happened. You learn that shit like day one on the elementary schoolyard black tops.

You get a glimpse of your boy’s hog at the urinal? “No homo.”
You accidentally touch tips with your boy during a devil’s threeway? “No homo.”
You continue that threeway long after the girl has left starting with dutch rudders and progressing into full on penetration? “No homo.”
You get into a serious, three year relationship with your boy and come out to your parents when you introduce him as your man? “No homo.”

It’s essentially a get out of jail free card for your crippling insecurity of being pegged as a “gay” figuratively but not literally. You’re still taking it in the ass, but as a MAN. Not some limp wrist “homo.” .

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com

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