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Ah, good old Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life at my lovely alma mater, the University of Central Florida. They sure have a knack for crafting together articulate email after articulate email. You’ll recall they warned all of Greek life about the dangers of “Netflix and Chill” back in September. Just typing that phrase again made me cringe as much as the “helpful” tips they provided to not get date raped to the theme song of It’s Always Sunny.
Well now OFSL is back at it again with another fire email to promote an open discussion on masculinity in fraternity life.
Just a bunch of totally heterosexual guys willingly getting together to spend their Thursday afternoon enjoying some non-alcoholic refreshments, opening up to one another about their feelings. Nothing gay about that. It’s in the fine print: “No homo, bro.”
Not exactly sure why we’re exploring what masculinity in a fraternity looks like in the first place. Pretty sure we got that covered in our robin’s egg blue polos and salmon, nuthugging, 5″ inseam shorts. Pastels and neon are alpha as fuck. That’s just indisputable cold hard fact.
So you’ve held a pledge brother’s (or five’s) package in procession or raced with a cucumber shoved halfway up your dirtstar for the enjoyment of your pledge master, that doesn’t mean you’re any less of a man. As long as you say “no homo” immediately after it’s as if it never happened. You learn that shit like day one on the elementary schoolyard black tops.
You get a glimpse of your boy’s hog at the urinal? “No homo.”
You accidentally touch tips with your boy during a devil’s threeway? “No homo.”
You continue that threeway long after the girl has left starting with dutch rudders and progressing into full on penetration? “No homo.”
You get into a serious, three year relationship with your boy and come out to your parents when you introduce him as your man? “No homo.”
It’s essentially a get out of jail free card for your crippling insecurity of being pegged as a “gay” figuratively but not literally. You’re still taking it in the ass, but as a MAN. Not some limp wrist “homo.” .
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Dan Regester
Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer and Video Guy for Grandex Media. Delco trash. UCF alum. Famous FIJI on Wikipedia. Bit of a gambling problem. Advocate of shipping the homeless to Mars. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com
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Dan’s physical insecurities and denile of his homosexuality reminds me a lot of Mac from Always Sunny
Especially in the episode “Mac gets fat”
I was thinking the same thing.
Denile?
dan just wants to wrestle some dudes is all
Denial, you illiterate pickle-tickler
Dan gave up alcohol that one time not so he could get healthy, but instead to prevent the throat and anal pains he gets after his “accidental blackouts.”
“But they’re not gonna say no, because of the implication.”
“I EAT STICKERS ALL THE TIME DUDE!”
“I’m going to burn thish painting, and no onesh gonna shtop me!”
“I think I can handle my sedatives”
…
“Karate snow machine chop set.”
“What’s with the choppin, dude?”
“I’m chopping all of my action, and mostly power.”
I like Its Always Sunny a lot if you guys can’t tell
You think the all the laps are gonna stop me? Suck a fat one.
Buzz, it’s Friday man. Go crack open a cold one and relax
Do you have something to share with us, Dan?
I’m sure this won’t backfire at all
This was a weird way to come out of the closet, Dan.
What ignorant administrator thought this would be a good idea?
No means no Dan
Just come out of the closet already, Dan.
Remember this Dorn. You’ll need it as you’re being removed from the boys locker room at your local YMCA. Just tell the judge no homo. Should work.
No, that’s Dorn’s thing