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UCF Plans $25M Upgrade To Their Already Ridiculous Athletic Facilities, Includes A Lazy River

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About a month back, when UCF announced that it would have VIP end zone cabanas, I said in a very tongue-in-cheek manner that my alma mater should just go all-in on becoming the best water park in the NCAA. I suggested that we finish the job we already started with our in-stadium beach club, and add the missing water slides, lazy river, and lifeguards needed to get funding from “The Mouse” and double as a second Disney’s Blizzard Beach location.

Apparently people listened.

We’re actually doing this, huh? Okay then.

At this point I feel like I’m either being trolled by our athletic director, Danny White, or he genuinely values my opinion. Either way, I need to recognize that with this great power comes great responsibility. What can I get Danny to do next? Do I remodel the Student Union into a medieval castle with a moat and drawbridge? Should I have the Math and Physics building turned into a house of mirrors or put a Dave and Busters on the 3rd floor of the Library? How about stripper poles and full time exotic dancers at the reflection pond? The possibilities are endless.

Danny, I’m not exactly sure what you see in my vision for UCF, but keep putting your trust in me and we’ll turn this school into a top 25 program in no time. Or die as an institution trying.

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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