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Typical SportsCenter Anchor Interaction

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***Upon hearing the news that ESPN SportsCenter anchor, and by all accounts great guy, Stuart Scott is battling cancer, a young ESPN intern walks into the Bristol cafeteria to extend his thoughts and prayers. The cast of SportsCenter is having a luncheon in Stuart’s honor.***

Intern: Excuse me, gentlemen.

John Anderson: Timm-ay!

Intern: Actually, sir, my name is Tony.

Craig Kilborn: Toni, Toni, Toni has done it again. Can I call you Sunshine?

Intern: Sure. Does anyone know how Mr. Scott’s health is?

Craig Kilborn: Well, it’s the cold and Pooh season.

Dan Patrick: He’s listed as day-to-day, but, then again, aren’t we all?

Steve Levy: He’ll come back. He’s a hockey player.

Intern: I sure hope so. But I’m worried that I didn’t prepare enough food for this luncheon.

Keith Olbermann: Looks like Mr. Dictionary has failed us yet again.

Chris Myers: You…you’re not good.

Intern: Really, really sorry.

Dan Patrick: Do you want to play with fire, Scarecrow?

Trey Wingo: You will pay for your transgressions!

Intern: To be fair, I didn’t expect Chris Berman to intimidate the entire kitchen staff into quitting after that waitress merely asked him if he’d like a refill of water.

(***Kenny Mayne pulls up a seat and joins the conversation***)

Kenny Mayne: Obviously, he hasn’t watched Tom Emanski’s defensive drills. It’s endorsed by Fred McGriff, you know.

Intern: Mr. Mayne, thank God you’re here. The kitchen’s covered in blood.

Craig Kilborn: The red blood cell count is up? Oh, hemoglobin!

Intern: What should we do? Call 9-1-1?

Scott Van Pelt: If it bleeds, we kill it.

Intern: Oh my God! Now, I’m not saying Berman did it…

Dan Patrick: You can’t stop him. You can only hope to contain him.

Craig Kilborn: If it feels good, do it.

Intern: That’s nice. I’m calling for an ambulance.

Brett Haber: Dial 9 for long distance.

(***Upon seeing police cars in the window, Berman sprints for the emergency exit.***)

Kenny Mayne: Now for the funny cars, and they’re hysterical.


John Anderson: He’s running like people are chasing him!

(***Berman gets form tackled by a group of three sexually-repressed women police officers***)

Kenny Mayne: Chris Berman has decided to be tackled by people on behalf of the local police department. Terms of the contract are not disclosed, but we believe it has something to do with money.

Intern: Well, now that Berman’s in custody, while I’m up…

Scott Van Pelt: That’s levitation, Holmes.

Intern: Right, my apologies, SVP. When I’m levitated, does anyone want any food?

Kenny Mayne: I am king of the diamond! There will be a grand clubhouse feast! Bring me the finest meats and cheeses in all the land!

Intern: Anything in particular?

Dan Patrick: Give him the high cheese.

Kenny Mayne: Behold, the power of cheese.

Chris Myers: You will get nothing and like it!

Kenny Mayne: Say CHOWDAH!

Intern: You want chowder?

Rece Davis: No soup for you!

Kenny Mayne: I am amused by the simplicity of this game.

Rich Eisen: Those who are tardy get no fruit cup! How can you have your pudding if you don’t eat your meat?

Kenny Mayne: My car costs more than your house!

Intern: Really, guys, it’s not a big deal. No need to trade insults.

Kenny Mayne: They’re so cute at this age. Take a seat. More beer for me.

(***The exhausted intern sits down. Stuart Scott enters the cafeteria with a messy-haired Linda Cohn.***)

Intern: Mr. Scott, everything okay? Why are you limping?

Keith Olbermann: He pulled a groin. His own, we hope.

Linda Cohn: Whew! He’s no beanie-baby!

Stuart Scott: Boo-ya! It’s my world. You’re just a squirrel trying to get a nut.

Kenny Mayne: Right into the clown’s mouth. Chokin’ on a splinter.

John Anderson: Ah, to be young and athletic.

Dan Patrick: It’s a cowhide joyride!

Keith Olbermann: He will drool the drool of regret into the pillow of remorse.

Stuart Scott: Don’t see nothin’ wrong with a little bump-n-grind.

Kenny Mayne: Hey, we’re all mammals here.

Steve Berthiaume: (*making the “finger going through an OK sign” gesture*) Stuart Scott…here, Linda Cohn…there.

Craig Kilborn: The low-angle spank.

Keith Olbermann: That’s a double-play if you’re scoring at home …or by yourself.

Stuart Scott: I ain’t a playa, I just crush a lot.

Kenny Mayne: Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down.

Stuart Scott: Like gravy on a biscuit, it’s all good. Can I get a witness from the congregation?

Intern: Anyway, Mr. Scott, I heard the news. So sorry to hear. Truly awful. You doing alright?

Stuart Scott: As cool as the other side of the pillow.

Intern: I think I speak for everyone, even Berman, when I say how admirable your optimism and strength is during, what has to be, this tough time for you. It’s…

Kenny Mayne: It’s a homonym, not an antonym.

Intern: Ok? Well, now that you’re here, do you want me to stick around? Berman made bail, three underage female are already in witness protection, and I’ve got to…be somewhere else.

Stuart Scott: You ain’t got to go home, but you got to get the heck up outta here.

Intern: Righttt. As for the rest of you…you’re all monsters in the game of life.

Kenny Mayne: We all know that games aren’t played on paper. They are played by little men inside our TV sets. And the players are  joyful.

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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