After having met in a bar not too long ago (an adventure which you can read about here), the following is a scenario in which a fraternity gentleman invites a sorority lady to his upcoming date function via text. Their thoughts are in italics, and the conversation is in plain text.
Him: “hey Amber”
Her: Omg. Thomas just texted me! Ah! His date function is coming up. He’s totally asking me. Breathe Amber. Just read your fucking text. Does my hair look ok? He can’t….see me….Ok. alksdf;ajs HEY! He said hey! What the fuck is HEY. He’s trying to kill me. “Hey what’s up.” Smiley? No. That’s desperate. Send.
Him: “not much, just bored in class haha haven’t seen you out in awhile” Nor that fantastic pair of pillowy chest puppies.
Her: YEAHHHH, well maybe if you’d TEXT me a little more often. Jackass. I hate you. Wait, back-track…he’s bored in class and thinking about ME. I’m the go-to. I’m the I’m-busy-day-dreaming-so-you’re-the-person-I’m-thinking-about girl. I love you. “Yeah! What’s up with that! Where’ve you been!”
Him: Balls deep in your grand-little. “oh, I’ve been around haha. so you got any plans next Wednesday night?”
Her: No, I’ve had Wednesday night circled, bookmarked, starred and committed to memory for your stupid date function since I met you. “Ohhh, I don’t know. Probably not. Why, what’s up?”
Her: Why isn’t he texting me back? It’s been 6 minutes. NO I’M KIDDING I’M AVAILABLE! I JUST WANTED TO SEEM MYSTERIOUS! Should I text him and tell him I checked and I’m free? I can’t double text. Fuck, it’s been 9 minutes. What are you doing! You were JUST texting me!
Him: That was a fantastic dump, too bad I forgot my phone. Bullshit Amber, I know you’re free. “well if you’ve got nothing going on, we have a little date function downtown then. famous couples theme, and a hearty bar tab, should be a good time.”
Her: Ha. I knew you’d ask me. Didn’t even make me sweat. Ok, totally did make me sweat. IRREGARDLESS. How to say yes without sounding desperate…And I’m not texting him back for at least 7 minutes. I’m busy too. Except I’m literally sitting on the couch, listening to Disney Pandora staring at my phone until you respond.
Omg totally! No that’s stupid, and desperate. Who else is going? No, I can’t say that, he’ll think I don’t want to go. I need a text consultant. Why is no one home. “Oh, sounds fun!” Is the exclamation ok? Yeah, that’s def ok. “fun” should always be exclaimed. Nice work, Amber. Excited but not obnoxiously so. You totally pulled it off.
Him: “Cool.” Cool.
Her: Cool? Just one word? Does that mean this conversation is over? Amber say something. No don’t. Bye. Love you. Miss you already.
Him: “what do u want to dress up as?” Something Cleavage-friendly preferably. Your standards chair won’t be there.
Her: Ahhhhhhhh!!! He double textedddd!!! Convo was clearly over but he totally just wanted to keep talking. Wow, he loves me. That’s totally what that means. “You said famous couples, right?” Because we’re kind of like a couple. You’re practically my boyfriend. Oh, I mean… “What if we did like a cute 50s/60sish couple like Lucy and Ricky or Jackie and JFK?”
Him: Wrong Answer. You can’t make either of those slutty, and I’m not taking you if you’re dressed as that ginger Lucy. Though I would make a pretty damn good JFK…but let’s think outside of the bra a little bit. “Eh, idk, let’s do something more exciting. I have a really good Aladdin costume, if you could put a Jasmine outfit together?”
Her: JASMINE?! He must be joking. This isn’t like Halloween, or a mixer where I can wear whatever I want. There are going to be other girls there! Probably a shit-ton of fucking *** whores too. No, absolutely not. But I see his point. I’ll throw him a bone. “I don’t know. Jasmine is a hard costume I feel like. What about Heff and a bunny? You’d just need to get like a red robe. It’s super easy.” And I won’t have to be quite as naked as Jasmine. So easy. Tight black dress, ears and a bowtie. Or maybe booty shorts and a corset. Or maybe not. We’ll see how many people I know are going. That’s the main determinant of how slutty I’m willing to look.
Him: Playboy bunny instead of Jasmine? This is going to be easier than I thought. An excuse to smoke a cigar at the function, AND a scantily clad bunny on my arm all night? This just keeps getting better. “haha I like that, let’s do it” I wonder what my odds are for a private centerfold photoshoot afterwards?
Her: “Ok cool! What time and stuff?”
Him: “we’re having a pregame at the house starting around 9. we have a few pallets of beer, but if you want we can grab a bottle for it too, what do you think?” Odds are high she just wants to shovel down a liter of Vodka herself.
Her: HAHAHAHAHAH. Beer. That’s cute. I’m too pretty to drink beer. “Ohh, yeah, let’s get something else too. I’m not really a beer girl. #diva” Fuck. I just hash-tagged.
Him: Hash-tag texting…really? “haha that’s fine, I’m guessing whiskey isn’t an option though?” I’d probably propose to you if it was.
Her: Better than beer, but I prefer to keep my whiskey drinks at the end of the night when I can’t taste it, and it’s the only thing in the house because he lured me to his place under false pretenses that we’d “keep drinking.” “I don’t really like brown drinks that much. I’m a vodka girl, mostly.”
Him: Whatever, if it gets me any closer to reverse cowgirl, I can bite the Vodka bullet. “yea that’s fine, I’ll grab us a handle.” And you damn well better believe we’re finishing it.
Her: A handle for the two of us? Oh my Lord. This is going to be bad. If he keeps feeding me shots, I will keep taking them. I really need get a better handle on the word “no.” Do I really want him to see me eight shots deep? I can resist. No, I can’t. Fuck. Oh well. At least I won’t have to worry about awkward sober conversation. “Ok, yeah sounds good. Can’t wait!”
Him: “Sounds good babe, I’ll text u soon about rides and stuff. can’t wait, it’s gonna be a blast.”
Her: Ahhh!!!!! BABE! I’m just gonna go design our save-the-dates. Can’t wait ’til Wednesday. And ’til our wedding on Saturday. “Okiieeeeeee.” Why did I respond? It would have been so cool if I didn’t respond.
Him: Completely unnecessary text. Choosing to ignore that, but it’s only more confirmation that I’m definitely going to close come Wednesday. Finally.