The Try Hards
No one, NO ONE, frats harder than the Try Hards. They frat so hard that if you tried to frat as hard as them you’d end up shitting your pants and inverting your penis, purely out of shame. That’s what the Try Hards would have you believe anyway. They don’t aspire to be the best. They don’t live their college lives with the sole intention of raging. Their goal is to be the frattest bros on campus, if not Earth, and they need everyone to know it. What Try Hards don’t realize is that “frat” isn’t a thing you can TRY to be. It’s as asinine as someone claiming they “live like a champion.” What the fuck does that mean? Champion of what? People who think like that need to be raped by bears. So it is with the Try Hards as well. Their thinking is completely backwards. You don’t do all the things fraternity men do to be frat. It’s frat because we do it. The Try Hards are completely oblivious to this.
To the Try Hards something like the movie “Animal House” is more than an amazing, funny, and surprisingly accurate film. For them it’s part gospel, part porn. Watching it gives them what can only be described as a reverent erection. They see things like that film and try so, so pathetically hard to emulate and even escalate what they’ve absorbed. The saddest part about the Try Hards is that their letters often seem interchangeable, and their brotherhood disingenuous. It’s not that they love THEIR fraternity, they just love being IN a fraternity. Obviously they miss the point of joining a brotherhood entirely. Luckily for them theirs is a “brotherhood” of mostly likeminded douche bags. Post grad they’re likely to be one of two types of alum. The first being someone who can’t let go of the “glory days”(says the guy who writes for a fraternity website, ahem). It’s either that or they’ll never come around again, having used their fraternity and moved on. I mention the type of alumni they become because it’s one of the main reasons the house is only middle tier (and will never advance further) in the first place. Their alumni suck. The Try Hards usually haze pretty hard, but not because they think it’s necessary for the pledges to earn their way into the fraternity. They just do it because that’s what they think they’re supposed to do. Without understanding the WHY, there’s almost no point in doing it.
The Try Hards do decently for themselves in terms of parties and women though. After all, you can’t try your hardest to be “frat” without partying your ass off. Slams enjoy their parties and are tolerant enough of their company to go over to the Try Hard house regularly. They might be loud, intolerable, and have their fraternal priorities completely ass backwards, but at least they party and pull. But that’s about all they do, and they don’t do it as well as the Ragers or the Top House. This puts them firmly into the middle tier.
The _____________ House
They’re just sort of…there. Wait, who are we talking about again? Oh right, sorry, they’re just so forgettable. There really isn’t even anything funny or mean to say about these houses. They’re THAT bland. The “Blank” house, if you will, is the purgatory of fraternity life. They drink. They have parties. Decent (but not great) girls come over. Sometimes they’re good at stuff. Other times they aren’t. Their pledge classes are moderately sized. This is the very truest definition of a “Middle Tier House,” and subsequently the most common. The Blank house has a little bit of everything. They’re sort of a Jack of all trades and master of none. More often than not the Blank house just wants to be left alone to do their own thing, i.e. drink, slam, etc. They aren’t interested in being a campus powerhouse (like the Top House or the Overachievers) and they don’t insist upon themselves (like the Overrated House, Ragers, and Try Hards). There may be some members of the house who try to pull the house in one of those directions or the other, but the majority of the members are too apathetic to move one way or the other. They just exist.
Everyone would agree that the Blank house throws better parties than geeds, but no other Greek would be truly impressed by them either (except maybe bottom tiers). When sorostitutes go to a Blank house party it’s more so because their friends are going (for whatever reason, boyfriend maybe) than because it’s the place to be. Their pledgeship is also incredibly mild. The pledges certainly have to earn their way, but their path is far from difficult, mostly filled with cleaning and sober rides. Each member of the Blank house has to be taken as an individual as the range of character is everything from a cargo short wearing tool to a rich kid in Vineyard Vines. There is nothing bad about the blank house, but nothing special either, although considering the standards Greeks hold themselves to, that in itself is a negative.
These guys live at the gym. They measure a man purely by his bulk (excluding the bulk of his shrunken, steroid ravaged scrotum obviously). Think their back-ne is funny? Laugh all you want you skinny pussies, because to them back-ne is simply the oily braille that tells the story of how they became a real man. Protein shakes are the most commonly consumed non-alcoholic beverage in the Meathead house. It’s all about getting swole up. Hell, if someone informed them that semen had protein in it they’d probably at least think twice about their previous skeet disposal methods. It’s not gay if it eventually leads to getting pussy, right? That is why they bulk up, for the ladies (and secretly each other).
Also, REC SPORTS MOTHERFUCKERS. The Meatheads dominate in every sport (kind of). Most of them were badass athletes in high school (badass is loosely defined). They take rec sports seriously, those muscles aren’t just for show damnit! The Meathead house’s pledgeship is crazy hard. They haze balls (just like their steroids, heyyyooooo). Obviously the testosterone fueled culture of the house has a quite a bit to do with that. Credit to their pledges though, those little meatheads in training take their hellish pledgeship like champs, maybe better than most other pledge classes. The Meathead house is also a prime candidate to perform gay-zing though, such is the consequence of the ultra testosterone culture. If “Roadhouse” were their favorite movie (and it might be) their favorite part would be the line “I used to fuck guys like you in prison.” Okay, to be fair that actually WAS the best part of that movie, but still, you get the point.
As far as parties go, I like this analogy: If the Ragers are the New York Yankees of festively fucking shit up, the Meatheads are the New York Mets. Same attitude, no credibility. The Meatheads WANT to rage. They’ve literally built themselves to slam and wreck shit, so they need to let it out. But they just aren’t that fun. A lot of times they’re creeps or just flat out angry drunks. Combining alcohol with their raging hormones and somewhat confused sexuality is like pouring gasoline onto a raging tire fire. They deserve credit where credit is due though. They often pull attractive women. After all they ARE in shape, it might be professional wrestler, male stripper shape, but shape nonetheless.