The Stoner House
The Stoner House does one thing right, they give zero fucks. They don’t care that they’re bottom tier, they don’t even care about tiers (they kind of have the right idea on that one). They’re stoners. They smoke and do other drugs, listen to jam bands, drink some “brews” and chill. It almost doesn’t sound that bad, except that they’re otherwise giant wastes of space. Their parties are weak, their pledgeship is half assed, and they do none of the “official” things (grades, philanthropy, sports etc.) well. Often times Stoner House members may still more or less look the part of a fraternity man, but their fraternity house is more like a preppy Connecticut commune than a brotherhood.
I often wonder why members of the Stoner House didn’t just stay GDI. There isn’t much difference between them and the guys who have a ten man house near campus and spend their days ripping bowls and completely avoiding making contact with human society, food delivery drivers excluded. Their main female draw is hippie girls, sorority or GDI, for obvious reasons (WEED! THEY SMOKE WEED! SO MUCH! GET IT!). That’s not necessarily a bad group of girls as there are for sure hot hippies. But for every smoke happy smokeshow there are a dozen Lilith Fair trolls too busy being proactive about animal rights to apply some Proactiv. How do you have time to grow dreads but not to bathe yourself? IT MAKES NO SENSE!
The Stoner House is always relatively low in numbers, mostly because they could give a crap about rush. They’re going to get “their guys,” that much is certain. And the Stoner House is cool with that. Why rock the boat? Whatever they’re doing is working, sort of, like in the same way that bong they fashioned out of an ancient rec sports trophy and a Papermate pen is technically “working.” Another reason for their low numbers is grades. Granted a lot of the readers don’t put much stock into grades affecting a fraternity’s reputation, but if someone fails out of school they can’t technically be IN a fraternity. That’s where grades affect the Stoner House. But hey, the Stoner House doesn’t mind. So take it easy dudes, I know that you will.
The Colony doesn’t have a fully formed identity. Which is fair, it’s a new house that has yet to find one. They probably used to be coked out rage monsters, but that was six years and an embarrassing string of arrests ago. But long gone are the haunting memories of that women’s restroom glory hole. The Colony generally has a little bit of all the worst parts of other Greek Houses though. Their newfound enthusiasm for Greek Life often makes the Colony a group of try hards, and they probably have a bit of Overachiever and Overrated house attributes in them as well. However for the Colony this is somewhat acceptable. You REALLY have to be drinking the Kool-Aid to pull a fraternity up from nothing, especially on a campus with a well-established Greek system.
Still, most members of the Colony are a little… off. They’re a little TOO into what they’re doing. A little TOO enthusiastic. A little TOO positive. Their only goal in life (at the present) is to sell you on the fact that their fraternity is GREAT, and TOTALLY LEGITIMATE. They’re like the Scientologists of the Greek Community. They are nice, but creepily enthusiastic and friendly. If the chapter has strong alumni and/or a strong national backing eventually the Colony will become a normal contributing member of the Greek Community at their school. But those first few years are a little awkward.
The Fat Frat
By far the most amusing group of people on campus in my opinion. How did they all flock to each other? I’m actually sitting here trying to decide whether or not I want to give this house any analysis or just make a string of cheap fat jokes. Let’s see if I can do both. This house is HUGE on campus (boom). When they decide to put their foot down, nobody makes a BIGGER IMPACT than them (count it). The Fat Kid House is exactly what it sounds like: a house full of corpulent mouth breathers who might as well ditch their real letters and designate themselves as Chi Chi Lambda (FOR THE WIN!).
The Fat Frat is probably as low on the tier totem pole as their collective blood pressure is high (so, uh, very). Fat, drunk, and stupid really isn’t any way to go through life and they’re living, heavy breathing proof of it. Fat Frat parties are basically a series of awkward interactions followed by painfully sexless nights. Even bottom tier sororities avoid them at all costs. The Fat Frat does consist of a fair amount of raging alcoholics however, so it’s not as if they aren’t fun drunks. There’s a 60% chance any late night damage to the Taco Bell dining room was their doing. But they should consider any night that ends with an arrest of the legal rather than cardiac variety, a win. Realistically they aren’t all fat kids. Forty to fifty percent is probably a fair estimate. But unfortunately for the Fat Frat their reputation is gained due to the, shall we say, visibility of certain members. No one is going to remember Johnny Boat Shoes when Timmy the Cartoon Tuba Player waddles by with his letters stretched across his supple man breasts.
There really isn’t much else to say about the Fat Frat. They do not pull at all, which makes their parties pretty damn lame. When a social fraternity’s social scene is THAT bad, not much else matters. Their members are nice enough guys, and maybe if they all Al Roker’d themselves things would turn around, but overall, this house sucks.
You know, THAT house. The one full of nothing but creeps and weird kids. Seeing them wearing Greek letters actually makes you a little bit upset. That House is basically a group of geeds that somehow was allowed to put up letters. They’re like the Tri-Lams in “Revenge of the Nerds,” but if no revenge was ever achieved and no dimepiece cheerleader quasi raped. By the way, that chick was TOTALLY raped in the moon bounce scene, or was it cool to get consent after the fact in the 80’s? “Hey I’m gonna go ahead and trick you into sex while simultaneously handing out thousands of naked pictures of you. Wanna be my girlfriend? Yeah you do baby.” That decade really was the pinnacle of fratting. Lewis Skolnick, TFTC.
Anyway, That House is an embarrassment to the entire Greek Community. Their parties are filled with geeds, the girls that come by are flat tire smuggling train wrecks, and no one can really even stand to speak to them. If the Greek Community were a 19th Century family, That House would be the deformed stepchild hidden in the attic, forced to subsist on crickets and gutter water. Not much else is known about That House, because no one WANTS to know anything else. Theirs is a stone best left unturned.