If you’re like me, you probably do upwards of 90% of your correspondence through Twitter Direct Message. It’s by far the most efficient and least creepy way to communicate. Even so, I often wonder, is there something missing? Being able to suddenly and randomly spam people you haven’t spoken to since high school is awesome, but is there a way to make it just a little bit weirder? Maybe even let me see a drunkenly sent dick pic at 3 AM every once in a while? Thankfully, the good folks at Twitter dot Com have answered our prayers by letting us direct message pictures from our phones.
Now whenever we have something that is too inappropriate to tweet, we can just tactically find the people who will appreciate it and subtly spam their inbox. However, judging by the junk on my timeline (pun intended, all of my friends already tweet pictures of their junk), I shudder to think what you people could possibly consider too inappropriate to tweet. I look forward to receiving your DMs filled with pictures of Hitler rawdogging me while baby Jesus quietly weeps in the background behind a naked Bart Simpson. Plus, imagine what you’ll be able to do once you discover Photoshop! As you can probably already tell, this advancement is going to have a domino effect the likes of which we have never seen before.
Fewer Politician Scandals:
Gone are the days when someone like Anthony Weiner could just tweet out his junk for all to see. Now he can selectively target certain lucky ladies for a private viewing of his stimulus package. See, much less creepy. As a result, though, we will have a scandal deficit in this country for the first time since the end of the Clinton Administration. Obviously, we can’t survive without exposing our civil servants, so we’ll have to make up new scandals to catch them in the act. Look out for future career ending slip ups like: Joe Biden wears cargos and socks with sandals, or Paul Ryan wasn’t volunteering this week.
Flirting Will Become Way Too Easy:
Call me old fashioned, but I miss the days when if a guy was a’courtin’ some dame, he at least had to worry about her friends seeing her phone after he sent a picture of his meat sabre. Yes, youngbloods, there used to be a time when if you texted a girl your love gun, you knew that a mass forward was as inevitable as a Miley Cyrus nip slip. However, now it appears as though all that has changed. Since you can’t forward a DM and no one in their right mind would ever open one in public, America’s youth gets to rest easy knowing that their beaver cleavers will only be seen by select audiences. On the bright side, this should pave the way for dick pics to become more common practice, which will cut my arrest record in half.
No More Selfies!
At least there will be one silver lining in all of this—hear me out here. Now that there is a place where men can surreptitiously send pictures of our joysticks in exchange for the occasional boob related response, we will have no more need for Snapchat. This is especially true since tit pics received on DM remain in the vault forever, whereas they are at most but a fleeting ten seconds on Snapchat. Thankfully for the future of our culture, the men of this generation will no longer have to endure 25 duck faced selfies for every exceedingly rare moneyshot. Our long national nightmare is almost over:
Clearly, we as a people are not ready for the responsibility that comes with DM pictures, and I’m equally excited and scared to see how we’re going to mess this one up. Looking forward to seeing all of your tonsil ticklers @FunkhouserTFM.