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TSA Somehow Manages to Reach a New Low

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A man flying his grandfather’s cremated remains from Orlando back to his home in Indianapolis is furious after a Transportation Security Administration official illegally opened and then spilled the container holding the remains. Official TSA policy on crematory containers is as follows:

Passengers are allowed to carry a crematory container as part of their carry-on luggage, but the container must pass through the X-ray machine.

Out of respect to the deceased and their family and friends, under no circumstances will an officer open the container even if the passenger requests this be done. Documentation from the funeral home is not sufficient to carry a crematory container through security and onto a plane without screening.

According to the man, John Gross, he informed the TSA agent as to what the container held and pleaded with her to be careful when holding it. The woman, being a TSA agent and thus devoid of common sense or really any humanity at all, immediately proceeded to open the container and shove her hand inside. It was while she was clumsily inspecting the inside of the container, to make sure that the ashes and bone fragments weren’t concealing an incendiary device, that she spilled the ashes onto the floor of the airport. Reports indicate that the TSA agent had similar problems at her previous place of employment, where she would often accidentally drop milkshakes and fountain sodas meant for the customers at Burger King.

According to Mr. Gross, after the TSA agent spilled the ashes onto the floor she began to laugh.

“She didn’t apologize. She started laughing. I was on my hands and knees picking up bone fragments. I couldn’t pick up all, everything that was lost. I mean, there was a long line behind me.”

When later asked if she was laughing because she found the layered TSA incompetency of spilling the cremated remains and then not allowing Mr. Gross to recover all the remains because of long lines caused by the TSA’s inability to efficiently operate fittingly ironic, the TSA agent stared blankly into the distance. After a few moments of confused silence the agent explained that the ashes made her laugh because they reminded her of vacuum cleaner dust and that vacuum cleaners look funny and make funny noises. She added, “And that man was crawling around in the dust like a baby and crying, and babies is funny too.”

Mr. Gross, understandably, is extremely unhappy with the situation.

“I want an apology,” said Gross. “I want an apology from TSA. I want an apology from the lady who opened the jar and laughed at me. I want them to help me understand where they get off treating people like this.”

Unsure of what an “apology” was the TSA instead offered Mr. Gross a complimentary full body cavity search, which Mr. Gross declined. For the time being America’s last line of defense against airline terrorism has no official comment on the incident.

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