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Tricks Of The Player Trade

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It’s been a rough night and things haven’t been going your way downtown. You’ve spent more than $50 on vodka cranberries and visited almost every bar, but the ladies have showed you absolutely zero love.

Luckily for you, I’m here to help. I’ve never actually spoken to a woman my age, nor have I been to a bar, but I have done extensive research. After studying hundreds of Cosmopolitan magazines and nature programs, I’ve compiled this list of tips that are guaranteed to get you laid.

Before you throw in the towel and hop in a cab for another long, lonely, and unintelligible ride home because of your very talkative and very foreign driver, check out these tricks of the player trade. You got this.

1. Introduce Yourself

When you spot a hottie a few barstools down, plan what you are going to say carefully. First impressions will make or break your chances. Skip the classic, boring introductions, such as “What’s your name?” or “What’s your major?” and instead, try opening with a compliment, like “your tooth-to-gum ratio is perfect,” or “your skin smells great tonight,” or “you did an awesome job with your makeup–I can barely tell how severe your acne is.” Try and notice the special features about her–like how soft her forearm hair is–and exploit them. Girls can’t resist attention to detail.

2. Hit The Dance Floor

The key to seducing a woman is to engage her primal intuition. Nothing does that better than a few properly busted dance moves. Heat up the floor with a classic lawnmower, then cool the crowd off with a refreshing sprinkler. It is important to stick with moves named after lawn care items.

3. Dominate The Alpha Male

Sometimes your target female won’t be so easily accessible. She might be cornered in the wall seat of a booth, surrounded by a group of male suitors. Assert your dominance by approaching the largest male and challenging him to a display of physical prowess. Bet him he can’t finish his beer before you. Tell him his mother probably went to community college. Run at each other full-speed and collide at the forehead. If you best him in combat, he will offer you the herd’s finest female to mate with until you, too, fall to a younger, stronger bachelor.

4. Be Persistent

If she walks away from you, don’t assume it’s because you did something wrong. Hover around for as long as possible. Remember, “no” means “keep trying, you sexy beast.”

5. Talk About Your Family

Girls like guys with a healthy family life–it shows you have strong moral values and would be capable of maintaining a committed relationship. Pair the tidbits about your home life with a compliment for maximum effect: “Wow, you’re really pretty. You remind me of my grandmother…before she died, of course, haha.” See what I did there? I complimented her looks, showed that I care about my grandma, and I was funny. Consider her feet swept from under her.

6. Text Like A Champ

If you manage to get her number, don’t text her right away. Wait until early the following morning. If she doesn’t text back, wait at least 30 seconds before shooting her another one–the last thing you want to do is come off as desperate. If she doesn’t answer after 10 messages, look up her address in the phone book and go to her house. It’s likely that something terrible has happened and she’s in need of your help.

7. Facebook Like A Player

In this day and age, flirting on Facebook is something every man must master. Look up a girl you’ve met downtown and send her a friend request. If she accepts, send her a relationship request. She’ll think it’s hilarious. Also, be sure to leave lots of Death Cab for Cutie music videos on her timeline.

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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