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Unless you absolutely have to get a summer internship, I recommend sticking around and taking summer classes. Summer on campus is more or less the same as fall or spring semester, except you have much more time to relax, study, and get 18 in. In saying that, I of course mean relaxing WHILE GETTING DOME, studying THE BACK OF HER HEAD, and getting A COMBINATION OF 18 FINGERS AND TOES INSIDE OF HER BUTT, because summer semester is tailor-made for fratting.
But alas, not everybody can be so lucky. While summer internships generally turn out to be good experiences in the end (unless you’re me), they can oftentimes be mind-numbingly boring. Do an opportunity cost analysis of the on-campus time you’re giving up by taking on a summer internship and you’re sure to sit there at your desk looking so manically depressed that you’ll suddenly skyrocket to the top of the office death pool.
That is why you need to bring the frat life you’re missing out on to the office. If you were unlucky enough to get an internship this summer, here are some Total Summer Internship Frat Moves you need to pull.
- Refusing to do any work until the summer solstice (June 20) despite your internship starting well before that date because “it’s not technically summer yet.” TSIFM.
- Claiming an already occupied corner office as yours on your first day. TSIFM.
- Pointing to a photo on your boss’s desk that is clearly of his daughter and proclaiming “man, I bet it’s nice banging that.” When he says “that’s my daughter, not my wife,” responding “I know.” TSIFTC.
- “I’m not here for a long time, but I’m here for a good time (and college credit).” TSIFM.
- Swearing on your life that the sandwich you’re eating is yours when Jeff in Sales calls you out, despite “JEFF” being written on it in big, block letters. TSIFM.
- Declaring yourself Employee Of The Month. TSIFM.
- Legitimately believing you deserve special treatment because the CEO of the company was in your fraternity (at another school). TSIFM.
- Asking the female HR rep for the office relationship disclosure paperwork, writing her name on it in the “Partner’s Name” field, and tossing her a wink. TSIFM.
- Asking for a raise when your internship is unpaid. TSIFM.
- Going on coffee runs. NSIF. Going on Irish coffee walks. TSIFTC.
- Spreading terrible, career-threatening rumors about Jan in Accounting after she accidentally calls you by the name of another intern. TSIFM.
- Going on a labor strike after management refuses to allow you to masturbate in your cubicle. TSIFM.
- Using the Donald Trump “You’re fired” schtick on one of your fellow interns and insisting that yes, you do have the power to do that. TSIFM.
- Singlehandedly lowering the credit rating of the company card by over 300 points. TSIFM.
- Asking your company’s CEO to endorse you for incredibly complex skills on LinkedIn despite him never having met you. TSIFM.
- Asking the female intern to endorse you for “amazing, sexy sex” on LinkedIn after you bang her. TSIFTC.
- Living in the office. TTFMSIFM (seriously, one of our summer interns once lived in our office and nobody knew).
- Getting fired from an unpaid internship. TSIFTC..