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Total Study Abroad Frat Moves

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Total Study Abroad Frat Moves

As some of you may know, I was studying abroad in Costa Rica for the majority of this summer.

It was a nice little break between graduating from THE DeVry University in mid-May and getting my asshole hairs plucked out one by one (one of the many hazing techniques Bacon uses on new hires) on August 10 when I start working full-time at TFM HQ in Austin, Texas. I had a great time working on my Spanish and drinking cervezas with the Ticos, but in the end, I was ready to come back to the grand ol’ U.S. of A.

Real talk: you guys are happy that I’m back. You’re elated. You can’t even control yourselves you’re so excited. You’re as giddy as an amputee and midget dual fetishist who just got wind that a bomb went off at a circus sideshow.

Why? Because you guys need me. I am the Frat Lord. That’s the way it is, plain, simple, and time-proven. I have the final say on what is, and isn’t, frat. I then share my judgments with you, my loyal subjects, so you can share in the glory that is being a hip-to-the-times college fratstar.

I can’t even imagine what you squids have been doing in my absence. Probably drinking Mike’s Hard and smoking clove cigarettes in a van down by the river. Lucky for y’all, if that is in fact what you were doing, you at least would’ve been doing one thing right. Which one, you ask? You don’t even know, and that’s why you need me. The answer is “doing activities in and/or near a van down by a river.” “Mike’s Hard” used to be frat, but it got blacklisted shortly after I tried “Mike’s Hard Banana.” It was terrible. Completely unrelated side note: If you’re ever at a brothel, make sure not to confuse the receptionist for a bartender.

While I was studying abroad in Costa Rica, I did my fair share of fratting (and farting; they’ve got a pretty bean-heavy diet down there). In all honesty, I was primarily there doing research for this column; school just got in the way. But it’s okay, because here are some Total Study Abroad Frat Moves you can pull if you ever act on your wanderlust.

  1. “My host dad owns a dealership.” TSAFM.
  2. Emailing your professor to tell her that you are “too sick to go to class” while you’re sitting in a bar five countries away. TSAFM.
  3. Ordering a Crunchwrap Supreme at every restaurant you go to, and acting disgusted when they say they don’t know what that is. TSAFM.
  4. Your host mother becoming the actual mother to your son. TSAFM.
  5. Realizing that this technically makes you and your son host siblings. TSAFTC.
  6. Calling the waiter “Garçon” regardless of the language spoken in the country in which you are studying abroad. TSAFM.
  7. Always wearing a minimum of three American flag garments or accessories. TSAFM.
  8. Skipping all your classes while studying abroad in Uganda so you can go into the jungle and stop Joseph Kony and his legion of evildoers. RSAFM.
  9. Being the American tourist that the other American tourists make fun of. TSAFM.
  10. Having hoes in different country calling codes. TSAFM.
  11. Only being there for two months, yet still working your way ahead of your host mother’s actual children in her will. TSAFM.
  12. Claiming you were “merely skyping your mother” when your professor catches you on a cam girl porn site in class. TSAFM.
  13. Immediately putting all your stuff in the master bedroom when you get to your host family’s house. TSAFM.
  14. Somehow still getting laid despite only knowing how to say “Hello” and “Where is the library, Pedro?” in the language of that girl you met at the bar. TSAFM.
  15. Using the excuse that you can’t use condoms because you don’t know how to say “condom” in the local language. TSAFM.
  16. Teaching the locals English. RSAFM. Teaching the locals English because you refuse to speak their language. TSAFM.
  17. Returning home with secret surprise STD souvenirs for all your slams. TSAFTC.
  18. Baselessly assuming the USA kicked whatever country you are in’s ass at some point and making fun of the locals accordingly. TSAFM.
  19. Amsterdam. TSAFM.
  20. Telling your foreign hook ups, “This is how we do it in America,” before sticking it in her pooper. TSAFM. #BUTTSTUFF2015

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    Jared Borislow

    Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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