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Total Online Frat Moves, Part 2

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I don’t know what more you guys want from me. I come on here, write about all the bitches I get, all the sex I have, and all the alcohol I drink, and you maintain that I’m not frat. Frat isn’t subjective, you guys. I don’t frat the same way you do, but that doesn’t make me a geed. I’m the furthest thing from it. It would be more accurate to call me a “peed,” as in, “I just peed in your bish’s butt.” It’s a TFM. Do you need evidence of how big of a peed I am? Take a look at my Twitter. I only post the realest, dopest ish.

Honesty. It’s a TFM. The ladies respect it.

Why am I showing you my Twitter? Because that’s how we at DeVry like to showcase our frattitude. Well, I guess it would be more accurate to say that’s how we at DeVry have to showcase our frattitude. Twitter, AIM, Myspace, Friendster, LinkedIn for the business majors–it’s all good, baby. Seven months ago, I shared Total Online Frat Moves with you fratstars, and I figured now, while I’m at my peed peak, would be the best time to hit you with round two.

  1. Storing your ritual book in an encrypted file. TOFM.
  2. Using the Turing Test to determine if your girlfriend is real. TOFM.
  3. A subscription to Brazzers being included in your chapter dues. TFM/TOFM.
  4. Kyle, that asshole, 12-year-old punk who tricked us into pledging him by pretending to be a freshman. We ended up initiating him and now have to deal with his shit because he threatens to reveal our secrets if we give him the boot. NOF. Fun guy to drink with, though.
  5. The only “mysterious white powder” you’ll find is Gold Bond to keep thighs from getting sweat-stuck to chairs. TOFM.
  6. Bid Night being Bid Morning for some of the rushees because of the International Date Line. TOFM.
  7. Never meeting the people that you’re going to be best friends with for the rest of your life. TOFM.
  8. STDs. TFM. Computer viruses. TOFM.
  9. Right swiping every girl on Tinder, even the uggos, to see everybody who right swiped you. TOFM.
  10. Inviting a girl back to your place to see your aquarium screensaver. TOFM.
  11. USA. TFM. USB. TOFM.
  12. Your fraternity’s various chairmen literally sitting in chairs all day. TOFM.
  13. Hazing pledges in the basement, meaning you won’t have to move. TOFM.
  14. Ramming your frock into a ho. TFM. RAM upgrading your Lenovo. TOFM.
  15. Your brothers asking you “LAN or WLAN?” when you announce that you hooked up with a girl. TOFM.
  16. Bean flicks. TFM. Netflix. TOFM.
  17. Brotherhood retreats to the RuneScape wilderness. TOFM.
  18. Bidding SmarterChild after numerous brothers vouch that they are AIM buddies with him. TOFM.
  19. Being a not-for-profit organization at a for-profit institution. TOFM.
  20. When that camgirl you’ve been cyberstalking is all like, “I’m issuing a restraining order” as you nod your head, get in your car, and drive to her house to bang her before the cops stop you on I-95 and you realize she wasn’t kidding. It’s a TOFM.

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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