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Total One Man Frat Moves

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Total One Man Frat Moves

I was going through my weeknight routine of singing Toto’s “Africa” in a bathtub when I stumbled upon a gem in the Dartmouth student newspaper.

The TL;DR version of the article is that there was a Dartmouth fraternity that lost all of its brothers to graduation, save one. We’ve all experienced massive house membership overhaul due to graduation, but the situation that Yovany Jerez faced was ridiculous…ly awesome. Take it from someone with younger siblings who spent his childhood dreaming of all those little turds getting kidnapped before they could snag my inheritance: being an only child is what brotherhood is all about. At least the lone remaining brother doesn’t have to worry about anyone blackballing him.

Anyway, long story short, I was about to do a write-up on the story for TFM News, until my thick-haired colleague Roger Dorn astutely pointed out, “Yeah, we’re gonna pass on this one seeing as it’s a 12-year-old story,” then called me a moron under his breath (probably).

Real stickler for details, that guy.

But some ideas are simply too good to let trivial little things like “facts” get in the way, and if you don’t believe me, just ask my man George Dubya. So, myself and The DeVry Guy teamed up to kick out some Total 1 Man Frat Moves.

You nerds got your own T1MFM’s? Feel free to leave them in the comments.


Being the 1%. NF. Being the 100%. T1MFM.

Had a sweet mixer last night with Sarah. T1MFM.

“Hi, Yovany Jerez, rush chairman, president, vice president, house manager, treasurer, sergeant at arms, social chair, historian, pledge master, and that brother who you can never remember when you’re reciting your pledge brothers. Damn glad to meet you.” T1MFM.

No GDIs being able to accuse you of buying your friends. T1MFM.

When having bi-polar disorder is the closest you can come to a division in the chapter. T1MFM.

The NSA doesn’t even bother wiretapping our house phone. T1MFM.

Brother of the Year award recipient, 4 years running. T1MFM.

Never having your beer pong bounces get swatted. T1MFM.

Slow clapping your own slam’s walk of shame down the hallway. T1MFM.

Managing your own risk. T1MFM.

When any event you dress up for is called formal. T1MFM.

Everyone in my house was a high school valedictorian. R1MFM.

Taking Manti Te’o’s imaginary friend circle idea to the extreme. T1MFM.

Having a “strict no hazing policy.” TFM. Hazing yourself. T1MFM.

Always being the drunkest guy in the room. T1MFM.

It’s never hard to get a good guy-to-girl ratio. T1MFM.

Pledgeship: the best time you never have. T1MFM.

It’s not the grades you make, it’s the hand you shake. T1MFM


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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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