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I have no idea what 2016 might bring. Will my beloved #BUTTSTUFF2015 movement hold strong? Will #KONY2013 be labeled “retro,” and thus gain a hipster following I can command in an attempt to help complete my directives? Will I finally lose my virginity?
HA! Just kidding about that last one. I turned 21 two years ago, which, as we all know, is the minimum age at which Americans can legally have sex, so obviously I already lost my virginity. I’ve heard of people having some bloody first times, but man, oh man, mine was a freakin’ bloodbath. As everyone knows, when a man loses his V-card, he ejaculates blood (anyone who thinks this isn’t true is obviously a virgin, because this is true and they would know that if they weren’t a stupid virgin). The problem for me was that my Pavlov’s Hog hadn’t drooled in four months before I had my cherry popped, and when I finally reached my crescendo, my artery juice went everywhere. I tell ya, that truck stop bathroom looked like Dexter Morgan’s kill room, except there was no plastic wrap to control the chaos. There was still a dead body, though.
Anyway, New Year’s Eve is near. It’s an interesting night — it’s simultaneously your last chance to frat in 2015 and your first chance to frat in 2016. Do you want to end and begin the year as a fucking frat star like me? Then here are some Total New Year’s Eve Frat Moves for you to try.
- Switching your adolescent brother’s sparkling grape juice out for champagne. TNYEFM.
- Open-mouth kissing your grandma when the clock hits midnight. TNYEFM.
- Drunkenly telling that woman from your mom’s knitting club that instead of “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve,” you prefer “New Year’s Bed Rockin’ Eve.” TNYEFM.
- Pouring some out for Dick Clark. TNYEFM.
- Only wearing the “2016” sunglasses so that you can stare at female partygoers’ chests. TNYEFM.
- Not wearing the “2016” sunglasses and still shamelessly staring at female partygoers’ chests. TNYEFTC.
- Telling your adolescent brother that he can’t celebrate when the ball drops because his balls haven’t dropped yet. TNYEFM.
- Making sure you’re the first person at the party to yell, “Happy New Year!” even if it means yelling it mid-countdown. TNYEFM.
- Being scared of fireworks. TNYEDogM. (Sorry, this one is kind of unrelated.)
- Drunkenly asking that woman from your mom’s knitting club if she wants to trade her champagne flute for a skin flute. TNYEFM.
- Sending out a mass text at 12:01 a.m. that says, “Happy New Year! U up?” TNYEFM.
- Yelling “boom goes the dynamite” after each firework explodes. TNYEFM.
- Refusing to wear those cheesy New Year’s Eve plastic top hats because they mildly resemble fedoras. TNYEFM.
- Drunkenly telling that woman from your mom’s knitting club that you’re going to turn her into a noisemaker later. TNYEFM.
- Telling every girl at the party that “Baby New Year” is actually the first baby conceived in the new year, and attempting to convince them to make history with you. TNYEFM.
- Drunkenly hooking up with that woman from your mom’s knitting club: tell her to get ready for “the grand finale,” stick it in her pooper, and then say, “Seacrest, out,” when you finish. TNYEFM. #BUTTSTUFF2016.