Mid-February can only mean one thing. I’m not talking about the inevitable exams, or that bullshit greeting card holiday on the 14th. While some people give these trivial matters underserved attention, we as fraternity gentlemen are far more focused on the future. Spring Break Shitshow 2012 is only a few short weeks away. Hopefully you’ve planned your trip by now, but if not I’m here to help. What follows are a few of the best (read: GDI avoidance) destinations for a Spring Break you’ll barely be able to remember.
If you want a week filled with sunshine, beautiful sorority women everywhere you turn, and enough wet t-shirt contests to make any sorority’s Standards Chair faint, Key West is the Freebird solo to your drunken ears. It is by far the premiere Spring Break destination in my home state of Florida, and I can personally assure you that no other Spring Break celebration in the Sunshine State comes close to what occurs at our country’s southernmost point (fuck Hawaii, they don’t count).
While places like Panama City and Daytona Beach will be crawling with meathead Yankees, Key West maintains its position as the classiest Floridian outlet for your typical Whiskey funneling fratstar ways with the highest Greek attendance.
The only potential downside of Key West is the rainbow-donning “civil union” crowd that tends to turn up. It’s usually a good idea to scan the scene at the bar before you decide to post up. Chances are if you see two dudes in Lady Gaga outfits groping each other in the corner, you’re at the wrong place.
It doesn’t have to be Cinco de Mayo for you to pretend to give a shit about Mexico. Spring Break is a completely acceptable excuse as well. Sure, it probably isn’t safe to drink the tap water, and I wouldn’t wander around alone because of the off chance that you could get kidnapped and be forced to become a drug mule by one of the cartels (hey at least you get free drugs). Mexico, despite its downsides, can easily lead to some of the most ridiculous times of your life.
Cancun and Puerto Vallarta are the prime destinations, as the Mexican Government actually makes an effort to make these cities presentable to tourists. If you go anywhere else, I’m going to find it extremely hard to feel bad for you when you come back with Typhoid Fever or an 8-inch face scar from a knife fight.
Cleanliness and lack of government aside, Mexico offers some amazing potential Spring Break opportunities. The women are beautiful, and you can always count on meeting a few West Coast sorority girls, whose attractiveness is only outweighed by the number of zeroes in their bank accounts. If you’re really lucky you’ll have the same Spring Break as Arizona State, and you’ll be fucking set.
Everyone’s favorite series of “Almost American” islands, the Bahamas (and the 394 Señor Frogs restaurants that inhabit them) are home to more forgotten drunken nights than a date rape convention. If you want to taste of the foreign debauchery of Mexico with a slightly cleaner exterior, chances are a cruise down the Bahamas is your best bet.
While a few people fly in and exclusively party in the Bahamas, many visitors instead choose to arrive via cruise ship. And why wouldn’t you? A cruise is a perfect excuse to eat as much delicious food as possible, drink unhealthy amounts with little to no risk of consequence, and channel your inner Wilt Chamberlain in the casual sex department. Sounds like damn near the perfect setup to me.
The Bahamas has an extremely rich history, and you can get a great taste of the local culture at the marketplaces. But this is Spring Break, so you could give a quarter of a shit. Your main concern should be what beach to position yourself on, and which duty-free liquor is going to make you incapable of feeling emotions or pain that night.
That’s it for Part 1 gentlemen. Think I missed something? Yell at me about it in the comments and I’ll be sure to toss it into Part 2.