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The middle of summer marks a period where college students catch the ever-contagious fitness bug and flock to gyms and supplement warehouses in order to fork over their hard borrowed parental cash for strange non-FDA regulated miracle powders in hopes of attaining the perfect beach body. Unfortunately for them, they totally forget about the fact that 45 minutes at a gym and a half scoop of diarrhea inducing, dick flavored protein is not enough to counteract five hours at a bar… and yes, I’m insinuating that if you like the taste of protein powder you probably have a pallet suitable for penis. Luckily for all of you readers, I have compiled a fair and balanced meal plan that will provide plenty of nutrition for the highly functioning alcoholic and still allow for your body to keep that impressively average shape so you can show off this summer.
Breakfast: Coffee and Dip
Because I don’t feel like looking up the actual quote, I’d like to paraphrase an athlete that is a personal favorite of mine; John Daly. Good old John is a firm believer in the fact that the combination of caffeine and nicotine equals protein. Coming from a man that can crush a drive 300+ yards off a tall boy, I would be hard-pressed to find any real American that could question this logic. Furthermore, I once read that both caffeine and nicotine increase your heart-rate. Sprinting increases your heart-rate doesn’t it? That’s one activity. Last time I checked two is better than one, always, so not only are you making protein when you drink coffee and take a dip at the same time, but you are also combining the cardiovascular benefits of two heart-rate increasing substances. You might as well be running laps and eating steak at the same time. So, when you come to from your blackout slumber, be sure to take down a cup of coffee and throw in a fat lip to prime your mind and body to peak levels for an extraordinary summer day… I guess you could smoke a cigarette too, but someone might think you’re a hipster.
Lunch: Multiple Heavy Beers
I know that some of you may be surprised by this next meal, and this is probably because it doesn’t say multiple light beers. Remember, this is a meal plan, not a diet. Diets are for people with blood-sugar problems and old people that need to regulate… their age. If you’re looking for algae based superfoods, go ask an otter what he prefers to eat. Then use your face to smash open some clams. Heavy beers may as well be the secret weapon of this entire meal plan because of the relatively unknown nutrients they provide the body. I normally don’t look to big government to tell me about something I’d already recommend to you, but I figured some empirical evidence was necessary at some point. The United States Department of Agriculture National Nutrient Database states that one regular beer contains 1.64g of protein, 12.64g of carbs, 14mg of calcium, 96mg of potassium, and 0.164mg of Vitamin B6. I know this may not seem like much, but that’s for one beer. Multiply that by… oh I don’t know… 12, and you have the makings of a great lunch. Marathon runners carb-load before a race so imagine the energy 144 carbs can give you! Once again we have protein in the mix, as well as calcium which you will need to strengthen your bones in case you take a fall on your walk home from the bars (a great workout by the way). But the real important fact to note is the one-two punch of B6 and potassium. Both are very important nutrients that give the body clean energy and help it recover from strenuous activity. Honestly, they say both are really good to ingest in order to alleviate hangovers. This may be a scientific breakthrough in the theory that drinking more beer is the key to killing a case of the next-day shakes. Theory my ass, that pretty much makes it fact.
Dinner pre-bar: Grease, Meat, and Bread
Listen, eventually you have to put food in your stomach. I know all of the people who get their kicks off of consuming nothing but hooch were really starting to get into this meal plan, but your body does need something solid so that you aren’t running to the bathroom with a case of the loose and liquids the next day. Alcohol can get lonely when it is spending its time all by itself in your cold, dark stomach. Give your best-friend a blanket of some greasy, meaty sustenance to keep it warm, as well as providing a comfy foundation for the next wave of whiskey gingers to soothingly ease into so that you are relaxing your mind and not turning your stomach. Anything from a double cheeseburger to a bucket of fried chicken will work just fine. If you have a long night ahead of you, might I suggest a chicken sandwich between the two patties of a double-cheeseburger? It has a lot of different regional names, but I have always heard it dubbed “The McGangBang.” It really does the trick if you want to kill 15 more of those nutrient rich heavy beers before the sun comes up.
As many sorority girls love to say in that awful voice that they use for sayings like “YOLO” and “Sorry I’m not sorry,” if you don’t remember eating then the calories don’t count. However, that is idiotic. Not because it isn’t true, but because it suggests that you might be counting calories. Anyways, since it is summer, there are no pledges. No pledges means no ride home from the bars. No ride home means a nice long walk. Remember how I said that was a good workout? Why deprive yourself of nutrients after a tiresome trek? The most perfectly balanced food for this post-workout recovery process would easily be pizza; pepperoni pizza. The pepperoni pizza contains an ingredient from every part of the food pyramid. It has meat, dairy, tomato is somehow a fruit, and more importantly, congress determined a slice of pizza in its entirety is a vegetable. Can’t argue with America guys, call up your campus’s shitty pizza shack and get down to recovering. Just don’t pass out before the guy shows up to your door… they REALLY hate that shit.
Bacon and Eggs: The Perfect Supplement
Now I know from time to time there is going to be a situation where you can’t follow this strict workout but never-fear, I have been kind enough to offer the perfect meal to supplement any missed step; eggs and bacon. Eggs and bacon are fundamentally the best combination of foods known to man. I don’t know what part of the pig bacon comes from, and frankly I don’t care. It is protein and it sets the bar for how any other flavor should be judged. Eggs are also protein, and the idea of combining the unborn children of an inferior animal with strips of meat from another is enough to make any carnivore’s loins froth uncontrollably. Bacon and eggs are easy to make at home, extremely affordable at any grocery store, and you can order them at any restaurant. If you can’t order them somewhere, then don’t fucking eat there. Also, look into reporting the owner to some sort of anti-terrorism agency. Never again, guys.