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I have a love-hate relationship with hospitals. On the one hand, it’s always nice to continue living, but on the other, they’re just flat-out depressing edifices. The lingering scent of antiseptic, the unfriendly faces of doomed old people, the no-alcohol policy… no bueno.
The rest of my family isn’t big on hospitals, either. At least, not since they got my life insurance policy all set up. They think they’re being sly about it, but I can tell they’re just waiting for me to die so they can collect their windfall. I don’t even get why — the monthly premiums on the policy they signed are literally $0. That means they’re going to make risk-free money regardless of when I die. No need to push me out so quickly, you jerks. Forget the fact that there is an insurance company out there that wants me gone so badly they’re offering to pay my family for me to die while expecting nothing in return — that’s just not cool, mom and pop.
For most people, though, hospital stays are an inevitability. The next time you go on a gurney vacation for a day or two, try to stay in the frat game by pulling off some of these Total Frat Hospital Moves (TFHM).
- Slapping the colostomy bag. TFHM.
- Somehow managing to turn a stay for a broken arm into an Adderall prescription. TFHM.
- The radiology technician having to forcefully remove a Natural Light from your hand before letting you near the MRI machine. TFHM.
- “How ’bout I return the favor later?” as the female nurse inserts the catheter. TFHM.
- Telling the hospital staff that you’re willing to get called up to the big leagues if the mammogram machine stops working while you’re there. TFHM.
- Faking cardiac arrest in an attempt to pull the ol’ Squints Palledorous on your hot nurse because you forgot that they don’t perform mouth-to-mouth in the hospital anymore. TFHM.
- Denying the doctor’s request to give you a prostate exam because you “ain’t Kanye.” TFHM.
- Shocking yourself while trying to light a cigarette with the defibrillator. TFHM.
- Having the blood pressure of a short-fused, middle-aged, alcoholic chainsmoker because you are three of those things. TFHM.
- Asking “are you coming on to me?” after the nurse asks you to provide a stool sample. TFHM.
- IV-ing Franzia. TFHM.
- Sticking the heart rate monitor finger sensor on your dick just to see what happens. TFHM.
- Hanging out in the doctor’s lounge because you’re “tired of being surrounded by plebes.” TFHM.
- Pulling the plug on yourself after hearing your illness is going to cause you to miss formal despite the fact that you aren’t hooked up to life support. TFHM.
- Heading down to the burn unit and volunteering to put “lotion” on the female victims’ faces, stomachs, and the smalls of their backs. TFHM.
- Putting on a lab coat and walking around the hospital pegging yourself as “Doogie Howser, but straight.” TFHM.
- Getting admitted to the hospital while still wearing last visit’s wristband. TFHM.
- Having a lot in common with the proctologist. TFHM..