Women relate dancing to sex. I relate real-life scenarios to pictures in textbooks. And right now, you’re the kid in the wheelchair, and that sexy latina in the yellow sweater wants nothing to do with you and everything to do with the frosted-tips douchebag spinning a basketball on his finger. Let’s fix that. Follow the tips below and cut the fuck out of some rug.
1. The Leg Guitar
Carlos Santana. Slash. Angus Young. If you’re at a bar that still bumps a little bit of rock, then channel the raw sexual power of these guitar masters (especially Angus Young – the dude’s 3-inch inseams are FaF) and bust out the Leg Guitar. When that solo comes on, strum your inner-thigh hairs like a D string and nimbly move your fingers across your calf like it’s a fretboard. Hop around on your free leg to really melt people’s faces.
2. The Baby-Maker
Not every man has the God-given ability to thrash pelvis like a fratty Shakira, but after a few drinks, you definitely can. Find an elevated surface, climb it, then swivel your hips in a gyrating motion — be sure to stay as off-rhythm as possible. Really bring it around town. To create the full effect, stick your tongue out and point at an attractive female as if to say, “Play your cards right, and I could be doin’ this behind you later… naked.” She’ll need a double dose of Plan B in the morning after watching you move.
3. The Lawnmower
Build that wall. You can take care of your own lawn, dammit. Rip start your imaginary Craftsman not once, not twice, but at least ten times, then grab the handlebar and stroll up and down the dance floor like it’s your very own immaculate front yard. Get the fuck off my property, kids. Feel that? It’s your nuts filling up like a bag of fresh lawn clippings.
4. The Sprinkler
Sticking with moves named after lawn care products is always the play. After you’ve heated up the crowd with the first three techniques, it’s time to cool ‘em off with a well-executed Sprinkler. Place one hand on the back of the head and crank the elbow. At the same time, extend the other arm and rotate the torso from side to side. Be sure to evenly spray the entirety of the dance floor – the women will be thirsty. Sorry, babe, did I get you wet?
5. The Funky Chicken
The Funky Chicken is the perfect move to follow up The Sprinkler – the transition is seamless. Without removing the hand from the back of your head, take your free hand and wrap it firmly around your ankle. Then bust out some standing crunches while simultaneously spinning in a circle like a tornado of pastel and sex. Bonus points if you knee yourself in the face.
6. The Bean Flick
At this point, you will have undoubtedly caught the attention of several females on the floor, and trust me, the ladies likes what they sees. Find one with a hint of sadness behind the eyes and let her rub her butt into your hardening groin. Once you’ve got a nice, awkward rhythm going, take two fingers and place them either inside her pants or under her skirt. Locate the vagina. Now, start rubbing that shit like you’re trying to make a genie come out. Hey girl, do you believe in magic? Now you do.
7. The Starfish
There is a good chance that at some point during the night, you will have rendered yourself incapacitated. But you don’t need the ability to stand to crush it on the floor. While lying on your back, raise your hips to the beat and fuck the sky. A star has just been born.
8. The “I Thought This Was America!”
For whatever reason, several bars are run by fascists who don’t appreciate some of the aforementioned dance techniques. But don’t go quietly into the night when the cops walk into the bar and take you away. While handcuffed, kick your legs, bang your head, and most importantly, shout, “I thought this was America!” Tonight, you’re more than just a sex god. You’re a goddamn martyr..
Illustrations by Connor Davis