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Total Frat Christmas Moves

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Ah, the end of the fall semester: when everything winds down and we all head home for the holidays to the ol’ fapping grounds. Or to our grandparents’ houses, which then become the new fapping grounds. You gotta do what you gotta do.

So much to do, so little time. Studying for finals, writing term papers, cherishing your last few hours with the frat iguana: these tasks and more must be balanced with our obligatory final days of binge fratting before a month at home. It’s a ridiculous transition. One weekend you’re three shots away from convincing your slam to let you suck a fart out of her b-hole, the next you’re staying up until 4am playing the board game Risk, eating Totino’s pizza rolls, and fruitlessly attempting to get Dorn to respond to your Snapchats.

One of the hardest adjustments us #fratstars must make around this time is finding ways to continually frat once we leave the debauchery-filled boundaries of our universities for winter break. I have a lot of experience doing this considering I spend most of my time outside of the boundaries of my online university. That’s probably only because the boundaries of my university are my computer, though, and I’m (sadly) not Tron, so I don’t spend any time in there (except that one time I had that one-night stand with my CD tray). Either way, I have experience in this situation, and, thankfully for you guys, I’m way frat and can teach you everything you need to know.

Christmas is one of the only times all year when almost all fraternity men are back home. This means there are many confused bro-skis out there who are just going to be derping around their childhood homes Helen Keller-style with no idea how to keep up their frattitude on this festive occasion. This one’s for you, derps: here are 20 Total Frat Christmas Moves. Take notes.

1. Spiking the egg nog. TFCM. Spiking your infant sister’s baby formula. TFCTC.

2. No Christmas music; only Wagon Wheel. TFCM.

3. Grandma got run over by my Frathoe. TFCM.

4. Getting into dangerously one-sided snowball fights with your nerdy, elementary school-aged neighbor. TFCM.

5. Witnessing mommy kissing Santa Claus and not telling your father about it because your younger brother wouldn’t be able to emotionally handle a divorce at his age. RFCM.

6. Repeatedly calling your local midget an elf. TFCM.

7. Celebrating Jesus’ 2,016th birthday by taking 2,016 shots. TFCM.

8. Photobombing your family’s Christmas card photo. TFCM.

9. You call them used condoms. I call them Christmas tree ornaments. TFCM.

10. Saying to your family, “My presence is your present,” and then not giving any of them presents. TFCM.

11. Purchasing holiday-themed spirits in order to get you into the holiday spirit. TFCM.

12. Not needing to dream of a white Christmas because you’re literally doing cocaine off of your uncle’s boner. TFCM.

13. Rudolph’s nose isn’t the only thing that’s red and shiny; so is my penis. TFCM.

14. Remembering that presents are the reason for the season. TFCM.

15. Using two carrots in order to make your snowman anatomically correct. TFCM.

16. Standing by the Christmas tree and asking, “What smells like gin?” TFCM.

17. Telling your winter break slam to be careful around your frock (frat cock) because it might shoot her eye out. TFCM.

18. Your family not having to worry about getting firewood for the rest of winter because of how many lumps of coal you received. TFCM.

19. Saying the Ricky Bobby “Baby Jesus” prayer at Christmas dinner. TFCM.

20. Using your stocking to ejaculate into. It’s a TFCM.


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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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