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The Kentucky Derby is peak existence. It’s a bunch of people gambling, drinking, smoking, and watching beasts sprint. Who wants to do anything but that? TFM’s own Jared Borislow went to the Derby last year, and his gonzo journalism-style report will 100% make you wish you had plans to head down to the Bluegrass State this weekend (check it out here).
I’m not sure exactly how or when it started, but at some point in history people started naming their horses in a similar fashion to how they name their boats. Everyone wants that nod of approval when people hear their horse’s name that’s somewhere in-between comedic, badass, and aggressive. I’m going to go on the record and say that the most famous horses of all time have terrible names. Seabiscuit sounds like a gross, fiber-heavy snack that your weird, incontinent cousin Fred eats. Secretariat is a little better, but not by much. Sounds like a shitty desk job you take after realizing your Communications degree is as worthless as your parents now think you are for getting it.
We need more horses with great names to start winning big races, so these are the horses I think should win the 2017 Kentucky Derby based purely on their names.
The name Classic Empire hits you like a truck. You’re just having a leisurely stroll in the park, maybe sipping on a lemonade, then WHAM! Out of nowhere, the name strikes you harder than you could have ever imagined possible. It just has a ring to it that’s royally badass and a little intimidating. If I’m Girvin or Gormley or any other stupidly-named horse running this year, I’m not looking at Classic Empire the wrong way in the horse version of the locker room.
Now, I know what you all are thinking: how can I make fun of Seabiscuit and like Practical Joke? His name is quite literally a joke. Not intimidating, not badass, not anything, really. His name is just a concept. My reason for including him is that he clearly doesn’t take himself too seriously. I mean hay — he’s just a horse (ba dum tss!). While his name (like that joke) is dumb, it doesn’t cross that threshold into major stupidity (like that joke). We all have that one fraternity brother with a demeaning nickname that everybody loves. That’s Practical Joke, except PJ has a much bigger dong. This horse is definitely the life of the party, and I for one would be happy to see him win the Kentucky Derby.
You know this horse raps. If he could, he would probably also vape and start a Facebook page for his photography. While Irap is a dumb name on the surface, it has an air of mystery about it. Does he spit bars? Did Steve Jobs invent him? Does he have ties to the Middle East? All I know for certain is that many horses in this race have terrible names and I had a quota to fill, so Irap made this list.
Irish War Cry
At first glance, this name comes off a little tryhard to me. But at second glance, aren’t we all a little tryhard at times? Also, the fact that there’s a different horse actually from Ireland in the Derby whose thunder this guy is stealing is pretty great. This horse has balls, and I respect it. Side note: what would an Irish war cry even sound like?
J Boys Echo
Finally, the best named horse running the Kentucky Derby this year is J Boys Echo. Obviously named after TFM’s very own Jared Borislow AKA J-Bone AKA J-Dawg AKA J-Boys Holla. I made that last one up, but this horse is hands down (horse pun) the best horse to bet on based purely on its name. J Boys Echo will bring all the action to the track on Saturday. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s winning so badly he turns around during the home stretch and crosses the finish line backwards. The people naming him obviously knew what they were doing, and set him up for success. Bet it all on J Boys Echo if you’re smart. And if I’m wrong, feel free to direct blame @JaredBorislow..
Image via Shutterstock