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In light of the recent tragedy involving Panama City Beach’s alcohol laws during the month of March, students from all around the country will be searching for the next best location to spend their spring break. I am here to help.
I’ll start by saying that no matter where you go, you’re going to partake in some serious debauchery if you’re doing it right.
I feel stupid putting this suggestion here because it’s is a pretty obvious choice. Why? Because there are no “real” laws in Mexico. Pay a Federale enough and you can almost literally do whatever you want. Also, this has been a destination for years. People know about it. You will 100% find hot girls from other schools who are looking to make you their spring break regret. The travel and lodging can get expensive, but most of these resorts are all-inclusive. Club scene is live, too, so the nights won’t get boring. Don’t be fucking stupid and get kidnapped by the cartel though. Getting head on spring break > giving a head. Stay in the resort unless venturing to the clubs, but why leave the resort when the alcohol is already paid for?
“But wait, what about Cabo?!? That’s in Mexico!”
You say no to Cabo for two reasons:
1. There are high school kids there looking to party with the big boys. It gets annoying when an 18-year-old Bobby Bigwheel is standing on a table with a handle of liquor singing along to “Sweet Caroline,” then tries to fight you when he see’s you are making fun of him for being an idiot.
2. There are, more specifically, high school girls looking to party. They will say they are 19 and go to community college in a suburb of southern California. You buy it because you’re from the south and have no clue as to what she is talking about. In actuality, they are 17 and a few are juniors in high school but hang out with the older girls at school who are all 18, have drank maybe five times before this trip and will undoubtedly end up puking on you, and then you look like a creep (rightfully so). Stay away. If you go to Cabo with a big group (25+) from your school and only hang out with them, Cabo is a little better and your risk of unknowingly committing statutory law violations decreases.
Destin is PCB’s pledge sister with the sneakily large breasts that isn’t known for partying or being the hot girl, but you end up hooking up with her one night and don’t regret it, because it was actually pretty good. You consider doing it again but it just never happens. A nice thing about Destin is there is one location for everyone to meet at, Whale’s Tale, where as other beaches are so spread out it can be tough to find the right spot without some research. If you’ve been to PCB, you’ve likely walked 5 miles in a day between the Holiday Inn and a shitty country concert on the beach that you couldn’t even see, but the girl you were trying to bang really wanted to go and sing along to the one Luke Bryan song she knows.
Additionally, Destin (at least from my personal experience) was predominantly Greek, as opposed to a South Padre Island, where you party with half the cast of Jersey Shore. The lack of last names tattooed on backs is definitely a nice touch, and you’re not likely to get bronzer on you if you bump into someone. The cops roam the beach though and will card you if you’re holding a drink. I had a friend see one from a distance and just start running. In hindsight, the structural damage that he suffered to his face from eating shit was probably more than the $200 or so MIP he would have received. Just don’t get caught, or have better agility than my friend.
Beaver Creek/Vail/Any Big-Time Ski Destination
This is a veteran move. It shows you have class. Skiing is WASPy as fuck. What’s more? A ski-trip means you get to chill in a jacuzzi and jacuzzis are bad ass unless it’s really hot outside. But it will be cold, and thus bad ass. Since you’re going to be at a higher altitude, liquor is going to hit you way faster and your won’t have to drink as much to get shit-housed. You don’t have to get in shape like your would for a beach vacation (ie. hitting chest and bi’s 5 times the week before you leave) because you’ll be covered up for the most part.
Cost can be high. If you don’t have your own gear, rentals are looking to be $200 and a lift ticket is roughly $100+ a day, one of which you will waste due to a crippling hangover, but since when has money been a deciding factor? South Lake Tahoe has casinos so you’re combining Vegas and skiing, also not a bad option. I wouldn’t suggest shitty mountains in New Mexico or some other a-typical ski destination because no one else is going to be there. You trying to bang a snow bunny? Gotta go where the talent is, the big resorts.
A Cruise To The Bahamas
Cruises are cool. It’s like a small city, but it’s on a boat, ya know? Get the all inclusive alcohol package and it becomes even cooler. Don’t take a cruise to Mexico because once you stop in Cancun, you’re going to realize you should have just gone to Cancun to begin with and now you’re only getting an six-hour teaser of what your spring break could have been. Then you have to get back on the boat and wave goodbye to that wondrous land of bad decisions en route to a boring Mexican city that you’ll likely end up leaving after two hours and just partying on the boat all day.
Going to the Bahamas, every island is pretty much the same. Steel drums, strawberry daiquiris, etc. Cruises offer different excursions if you’re the adventurous type that wants to swim with a bunch of stingrays. If anything, you’ll come back with a story you can over-exaggerate. Or you can just chill at the beaches and get hammered off of rum-based drinks. These cruises tend to leave out of Miami. Go a day or two before casting off and do the beaches and clubs in Miami. You get two spring breaks in one. What. A. Deal.
Depending on the timing of your break, schools nearby or at least relatively close may be having their “Big-Party-Fuckapalooza Weekend.” Go there. People know, guys and girls alike, that if you’re visiting from a different school you are 99% looking to get laid (ugly girls aside), especially during these big weekends. You have very little ties to this college and the people there, aside from the dude you know from high school that you’re staying with, which is not very different from a typical spring break destination. The girls know this, so they will approach you. You have to do very little work to get in the sack. Three in three nights is easily attainable. You can also lie about your major and your school. I don’t know jack-shit about finance or Yale, but there are several girls at a certain college that think I do. Plus, your overhead cost will be substantially lower than any other options you have.
What do you do with the other 6 days of your break? Combine trips. You get back from Cancun then BOOM, you are in Ann Arbor for 36 hours to cause mayhem, then back to your school. See Miami–>Cruise for an example.
Step 1: Buy lots edibles. Step 2: Eat said edibles. Step 3: Enjoy your day.
I recommend staying away from “The Haunted Mansion” and “It’s A Small World.”
Forget spending money on a trip when you can get fucked up in your college town for the cost of liquor only. No sunburns, no legal trouble across state lines, no “I mean, she said they were just razor bumps, but now I’m not so sure” moments.
Booking your spring break trip? We’ve got you covered. Fill out the information below, visit TFMspringbreak.com, and count down the days until you’re raging your balls off..
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