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I bet most of you reacted like me the first time you saw a preview for Game of Thrones. “It looks like a weird medieval fantasy for super nerds, who gives a shit?” But after hearing about it over and over and over, I decided to give it a chance. Turns out it’s fucking incredible, filled with badass violence, has an obscene amount of unnecessary sex and nudity, and all the main characters are alcoholic womanizers. Here are the top 5…
*I’ve made sure not to include any spoilers in the text, but links and comments may have some, so beware
5. Tyrion Lannister
If he were more than 4 feet tall, Tyrion would be number one on this list. He loves nothing more than getting shit-hammered and banging out filthy whores with his dwarf dick. He knows he is cleverer than everyone around him, so he acts like a total smart ass and uses his wits to manipulate. He literally slaps the king around like the little bitch that he is, and couldn’t give less of a fuck. Alas, he is know as The Imp, and will never rise to the top of this list, just as he will never ride on a rollercoaster that has a 48″ requirement.
4. Khal Drogo
Khal Drogo is the goddamn king of alpha males. He kills, he eats, and he fucks, and that’s about it. Up until he bags the hottest slampiece on the show, he refuses to fuck bitches in any position other than doggy style. He is the president of his Dothraki chapter, and has never cut his shag because he has never lost a battle. Challenge this dude and he will grunt like Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor, whip out his blade, and slice you up on the spot to maintain dominance.
3. King Robert Baratheon
Once known as a badass warrior, he is now the John Belushi of the seven kingdoms. As King of Westeros he is constantly too drunk to give a shit about anything. Every time his wife goes into childbirth he bails on a hunting trip and says it’s tradition. He keeps his bedroom filled with hookers and makes his wife’s brother stand guard outside the door while he takes them all to pound town. He has innumerable illegitimate children with multiple mistresses throughout the kingdom, and constantly belittles his servants for not keeping his wine cup full. Hunting. Hookers. Hooch. Robert Baratheon.
2. Tywin Lannister
Tywin is the head of the storied Lannister household, and there’s a saying that goes “A Lannister always pays his debts,” which is fucking awesome. He comes off as an exemplary gentleman, but is actually more like a conniving power-hungry politician. Regardless, he is smart, hardworking, and above all, wealthy as fuck. This guy is old money, and can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. He has half the kingdom in his pocket, an army at his disposal, and a fucking sweet post-grad balding slick back. He eats and drinks all day with his council, but is far too proud to let alcohol get the best of him.
1. Jaime Lannister
Jaime Lannister is the legacy who didn’t even need to be a legacy because he would’ve gotten a fucking bid anyway. He’s the type of guy that comes in as a freshman and ensures four more years of domination for the chapter. He’s known as one of the finest fighters in the seven kingdoms, and even with his reputation as a kingslayer, nobody can truly hate him because he’s too damn charming, sarcastic, and good-looking, with an incredible head of hair. He lays pipe on his sister, but that’s only because she’s his twin and he knows how goddamn handsome he is.
Honorable mention: Joffrey Baratheon, he is the legacy that everyone hates who is only there because of his family. Also, he makes prostitutes abuse each other for his entertainment.