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If you didn’t get the chance, go check out Part 1 of the series. Otherwise, you’re gonna be mad that someone you liked didn’t make the list, when in reality, they did make the list, but you’re just a big dummy. Speaking of dummies, not one, but TWO of you people suggested TV characters in the comments of yesterday’s column. I don’t even know what to do with that.
Moving on, here’s the next five, starting with number twenty.
20. Detective Mike Lowrey – Bad Boys
Mike Lowrey fits all the stereotypes of the renegade cop. He’s brash, disrespectful of authority, great with the ladies, and tends to shoot first and ask questions after the people he shoots are incapable of answering them. But what elevates him over the Martin Riggs and Axel Foleys is his background. He’s a trust fund kid. Mike Lowrey inherited millions of dollars and could have easily retired in his 20s to chase tail on Miami Beach. Instead, he became a cop, uses Porsches and Ferraris as his police car (with a hidden compartment for his machine gun), and still chases tail on Miami Beach. He also broke one of the cardinal rules of brotherhood, which is that you don’t sleep with a brother’s younger sister without his permission. This might be a knock against him on this list, other than the fact that I know more fraternity guys who broke the younger sister rule than actually kept it. In fact, I’d argue that it should be your goal to bang your pledge brother’s sister. Just don’t be a huge dick about it.
“Please, man. Married life is easy. You only got one woman to satisfy.”
19. Westley – The Princess Bride
Sure, he might have started out as a farm boy, but he seduced the sexiest babe in all of Florin with only his piercing blue eyes and uncanny ability to reach stuff that was placed up high. But he knew he owed her a real life, not some bullshit farm existence, so he left her and went to go make some money. Even when his entire crew was taken by pirates, he talked his way out of it and eventually made the top dog pirate offer him the job. So, boom, farm boy to Dread Pirate Roberts, just like that. Then he made his grand re-entrance to reclaim his bride from the dickhead prince by defeating the greatest swordsman in a duel, Andre the Giant in a wrestling match, and a smartass bald guy in a poison-off. That’s a hell of a comeback. He then endured torture, turned the two bros he beat the shit out of into his best buddies, and then stormed the castle with a wheelbarrow and a holocaust cloak. Reminds me a lot of the time that Watkins killed a fifth of Wild Turkey and talked his way into the front of the line at the bar, pretending to be a cop. Sure, he got thrown out like five seconds later, but still. Anyway, Westley gets the girl, helps Saul from Homeland get revenge for his father’s murder, and manages to teach Fred Savage a thing or two about love in the process.
“There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.”
18. Mr. Darcy – Pride and Prejudice
If you think Jane Austen novels are for silly girls, you’re pretty much right. Her books are mostly dry, high society soap operas with very few redeemable characters. However, there is one exception to this rule, and that’s Mr. Fucking Darcy. By the way, the movie version I prefer is the Keira Knightly one, obviously. Keira’s got that something, man. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s her eyes, or her attitude. Plus, I’d throw a bone Rosamund Pike’s direction any damn day of the week. Where was I? Oh, yeah, Darcy. So the dude is one of the wealthiest men in all of England. He talks his best friend out of marrying a girl who he believes isn’t actually in love with him. How many times do you wish you could’ve saved one of your pledge brothers from an obvious marital apocalypse before it ever happened? Darcy did it, plus he forces Elizabeth Bennett to fall in love with him, which is a shocker to everyone, including Donald Sutherland, who at that point had probably just assumed she was a box bumper.
“She is tolerable, I daresay, but not handsome enough to tempt me”
17. Danny Ocean & Rusty Ryan – Ocean’s 11
If there’s one main frattribute (yeah, it’s gonna catch on), it’s balls, and Danny Ocean has balls for days. Who else’s first thought as soon as they get out of jail would be, “You know, I should knock over the three casinos run by the dude who’s doinkin’ my ex-wife.” But to pull it off, he needed the help of a charismatic, handsome motherfucker who won’t ever stop eating, Rusty. The two of them somehow figure out a way to penetrate the most impenetrable of all existing locks: the female mind. Oh, and they knock off a big ass vault, too. They could heist money from any vault in the world, but they chose a place where they could also party in the meantime. Talk about two birds. I’m not sure which part they enjoyed the most, stealing the money, getting back the girl, or hazing stupid Matt Damon.
Danny – “Thirteen million and you drive this piece of shit cross country to pick me up?”
Rusty – “Blew it all on the suit.”
16. John McClane – Die Hard
All John McClane wanted to do was have a nice, average Christmas vacation so he could repair his relationship with his estranged wife. But no, apparently that’s too much to ask. He’s also required to take on some thieves posing as terrorists all by himself, with only the donut cop who can’t tell a kid from a dangerous felon to keep him company. But McClane, like any true American, picks up the duty where it’s needed, and starts doing what he does best: kicking bad guys’ teeth in.
Now, I will grant you that you could make a strong case for Harry Ellis being a classic frat guy. I mean he’s got some great lines. “Hey babe, I negotiate million dollar deals for breakfast. I think I can handle this Eurotrash.” or “Hans! Boobie! I’m your white knight!” That’s pretty solid stuff, but he’s also a chode, and gets wasted by Snape pretty quickly, so I’m gonna count him out.
Back to Real American Hero, John McClane. He loses his shoes and walks on glass, he goes toe-to-toe with Hans Gruber’s wits when they run into each other, and he seems to be the only one on the good guys’ side who knows what the hell is going on, because the asshole Johnson twins sure as hell don’t. In addition to all of that, he has arguably the best action movie catchphrase in the history of cinema, and Die Hard is hands down the best Christmas movie ever made.
“Come out to the coast. We’ll get together, have a few laughs.”
(Bet you thought I was gonna use that other one, didn’t you?)
Alright, we’ve broken well into the teens. I’ll leave it to y’all assholes to debate the further merits of this list while I go get something to drink. See you next week with numbers 10-15.