Four years ago, I learned that almost half the summer Olympic games consist of women’s sports. It piqued my interest. I’ve counted down the days until the summer Olympics came back around, just so I can watch our women kick the world’s ass. And by that, I mean, watch our women’s ass while they other kick other girls’ asses, while I stare at their asses, too. As I try to understand how half of these sports work and decide whether I could do them better if I donned a sports bra and a ponytail, I power ranked the best women’s Olympic sports, based on objective skill alone.
West Virginia University gave us a gold medalist in the form of Ginny Thrasher, a 19-year-old rifle-toting prodigy and owner of the most badass name in Rio. Incredible, considering West Virginia hasn’t given the US much else, except an easy win for Baylor and Oklahoma.
Those girls are vicious but women’s rugby is watered-down football but it’s weirdly and wildly erotic at the same time.
13. – 11. In no order: Fencing, Boxing, Taekwondo
In truth, I’ve never watched any of these events, though I’d consider watching boxing once Hope Solo becomes a two-sport Olympian.
10. Table Tennis
Prepare to be overcome with nostalgia, as number ten takes us all back to our freshman year. Who didn’t have a ping pong table in the lobby of their first dorm? I don’t think the sad, lonely fucks on the first few floors ever gave up the table. I could stumble back at 1:00 a.m. from a party on lower campus and those kids were still at it. If only we had those kids competing in the women’s table tennis bracket. Maybe then we could take down the Koreans. But losing to the Asians is NF, and thus table tennis is stuck at number ten.
They’re like swimmers with permanent O faces. Or shitting faces. But my glass is half full.
I like tall girls who kick ass and that’s all the US Women’s team does – kick ass. Plus, they’re almost as good as your average boys varsity teams and I almost made my high school’s JV team. I feel a connection with them.
7. Field Hockey
I’m still basking in the afterglow of another Stanley Cup win and American field hockey softens my hockey withdrawal. I’d rank them higher, but field hockey is the reason my high school’s turf felt like a brillo pad. Still would.
6. Indoor Volleyball
It’s like real volleyball, but with less talent and more clothes.
These girls are lean, scantily clad and, rumor has it, can hold their breath for up to three hours in the right conditions. All things considered, swimmers deserve a higher ranking on this list. Their macho shoulders are just too off-putting.
Soccer would take the top spot in a waist-and-lower edition. In fact, soccer was still my favorite Olympic women’s sport until I saw too much of Nope Solo. I can’t get that out of my head. It’s, without a doubt, the most terrifying thing I’ve seen on the internet, and I grew up in the Limewire age.
3. Track and Field
Track girls will vault their way right into your heart.
The white-knuckling, the chalky grip – good God. In gymnastics, you don’t need to be super hot to earn a perfect 10.
1. Beach Volleyball
Beach volleyball is the preeminent Olympic sport. I’ll fight you if you don’t agree. It requires so much teamwork and knowledge of one’s partner to be competitive, let alone US competitive. These ladies are incredible talents. Not to mention, do all that shit in bikinis. On sand. They’re remarkable women..
Image via Instagram/@ellen_hoog