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Timeline of a Summer Brotherhood Retreat

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Summer brotherhood retreats are a time when brothers, no matter where they are, convene at one location for a weekend to raise hell with no consequences. Well, no legal consequences that is, actually that’s not even true. There will probably be consequences.

My chapter’s most recent brotherhood retreat was at my own family farm about three hours from campus. Some brothers are reluctant to come if it’s not at a cabin or lake house, but us brothers with testicles and a will to drink heavily all day raged without thinking twice. These retreats are the epitome of being in fraternity. It’s not about socials, formals, or going out trying to get laid. It’s about bonding with your brothers and creating those long lasting friendships while blackout in the middle of nowhere. This is the timeline of, in my fucked up experiences, an average summer brotherhood retreat…

9 AM
Awake. Hungover from last night’s aftermath of twenty fraternity guys’ debauchery. Crack beer, survey damage of Night One of the retreat.

9:15 AM
Brother who is still drunk attempts to cook eggs and bacon for everyone. Realizes the lighter fluid is empty because the pyro brother used all of it to set an oak tree on fire the night before and now has to use gasoline to light coals. Drunk brother pours gas, lights fire, almost dies in fire. Eggs and bacon taste like unleaded gasoline. Perfect power meal to start the day.

10 AM
Buzz begins after fifth beer and a stout morning Bloody Mary.

10:30 AM
Sitting on the dock overlooking the beautiful American farmland while other brothers decide how quickly they can capture the nearest farm animal and eat it.

10:35 AM
Brothers fail to capture various cows and a pissed off bull chases them back to the dock. They brainstorm on how many squirrels they can kill to feed 25 brothers. Grab .12 gauges and hike into the nearest patch of woods.

11:30 AM
Drunk before noon. You congratulate yourself by shotgunning another cheap beer and dive into the pool for the first time. You do your best Michael Phelps impersonation, which is essentially just, “try not to drown.”

Brothers return with one squirrel that’s not completely dead yet. You tell them about the 9 foot alligator in the pond nearby and they should use the squirrel for bait. Brothers leave and you worry they may never come back. Grill master brother throws burgers on the grill for lunch and again almost sets entire pool house on fire. Drunkenly consume hamburgers while guzzling them down with even more cheap beer.

3:00 PM
Pass out by the pool after record keg stand time.

5:00 PM
Wake up and overhear a couple of brothers planning the activities for the night, which involve strippers and various drugs.

Brother notorious for buying hookers asks if “this hick-ass town” has a Craigslist.

Brother with increasing drug problem wonders if his drug dealer back home has a friend in this “god-forsaken town in the middle of bum-fuck Egypt.”

You proceed to give your brothers the number of your local drug dealer and tell them “godspeed.”

5:03 PM
Realize that was a terrible idea.

7:45 PM
Drinking games start and you are nearing blackout. Perfect. Run the table on your brothers while telling them to go back where they came from. Pour celebratory whiskey.

9:00 PM
You take control of the grill and tell everyone, “I’m fucking Emeril LaFratsse, motherfuckers, what the fuck do you want to eat?!” Proceed to throw multiple steaks on grill and thank God the grill was already lit so there is no need to call 911.

9:15 PM
Eat twice your body weight in various red meats. Pour another whiskey drink. Blackout. Hop in the bed of your buddy’s truck because they want to tear through a cotton field at 60mph while inebriated. Your drunk alter-ego thinks this is a great idea.

11:30 PM
Somehow, you survive the off-rode excursion. Strippers show up. Awkward freshman asks for a lap dance and makes a move.

11:31 PM
Awkward freshman is bleeding after bitch slap from stripper

The day long drinking is taking it’s course and the blackout grim reaper has seized another one. Pass out double fisting.

Another successful brotherhood retreat.


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