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The end of the Greek year brings good and bad things. The good thing is your fraternity’s formal is right around the corner, and you can enjoy a weekend that you will barely remember at a hotel that will ban you for life. The bad thing is you will be persuaded to attend sorority formals as well. A sorority formal is basically a variation of prom planned by neurotic 20-something year olds, but with extra sex and booze. No man ever truly enjoys these events, no matter what he leads his date to believe. After recently coming across the TSM column A Timeline of Formal, I decided it was finally time to show sorority women how the night goes from a fraternity man’s perspective.
Dread sets in a couple weeks before the actual evening, probably seconds after you are invited. NOTE: If when your date asks you she is not either a) holding a bottle of liquor b) holding baked goods c) naked in your bed or d) all of the above, the answer should be a swift “no” (or “try again” if she’s hot). However, if you are asked correctly and you say yes, you make her happy and then proceed to forget all about it until the day of the event. In the meantime, all of her sisters will be flipping through your Facebook photos, telling her whether or not she made the right choice.
Here’s how the day of the event usually breaks down.
12:00 PM – Wake up hungover from the previous evening. Say goodbye to the girl in your bed. If that girl happens to be the one you’re going to formal with that evening, feign excitement as she talks all about how perfect she thinks the night is going to be.
1:00 PM – Laugh about the previous night’s activities with your brothers. Forget all about formal.
2:00 PM – Start drinking. It’s the weekend, and finals aren’t for another few days.
3:00 PM – Nap time.
4:00 PM – Wake up to a text from your date reminding you about the pregame you’re going to attend. Try to text a pledge to go pick up a bottle, only to realize that they’ve all been initiated. Angrily text all e-board members.
5:00 PM – Head to the liquor store with another brother stuck going to the formal. Text your date asking what she wants. Buy whiskey instead.
5:30 PM – Stop by a gas station to pick up beer.
6:00 PM – Start drinking. Eat dinner. Forget about formal once again.
6:45 PM – Remember that formal is happening, and that you’re supposed to be ready in 15 minutes. Check your phone to find no texts from your date, and take your sweet time getting ready.
7:15 PM – Bow tie is on, and you’ve got a good buzz going. Receive a text from your date and head to pick her up from her house.
8:00 PM – Head to the pregame an hour late, because that’s when everyone else shows up anyway.
8:15 PM – Awkwardly make small talk and pretend to enjoy the company of the other fraternity men attending the formal. Mainly stand in the corner with your brother(s) and drink the hostess’ booze. Only offer her some if you get caught drinking it.
8:30 PM – Appease your date by posing for a few pictures and taking a million of her with her big, little, grandlittle, roommate, the girl she loves, the girl she hates, the girl she doesn’t know you slept with last week, etc. Continuously remind yourself that you’re going to get laid later.
8:45 PM – Ask your date if she wants to shotgun a beer, which she will most likely refuse to do. Shotgun with your brother(s) who are there. Remind your disgusted date that it’s acceptable because you’re dressed up.
9:00 PM – Head to the buses. Feign a smile while your date screams and tells all her sisters how beautiful they look. Attempt to check girls out without your date or their dates noticing.
9:05 PM – It’s finally time to crack open that bottle of whiskey, and attempt to get the bus driver to take a shot.
9:15 PM – Arrive at the formal and immediately hit the bar, even though you have half a bottle of liquor flasked. Buy your date a shot of something fruity to make her happy.
9:45 PM – Convince your date to follow you into the bathroom. Commence a 5 minute version of the much longer slam session you’re going to have later that night.
9:50 PM – Laugh at all the dirty looks your date is getting while receiving praise from your brother(s) and that random kid from the bottom-tier frat who’s excited for you.
10:00 PM – The music’s on. Things are pretty hazy at this point, but luckily grinding isn’t too hard to do, even while hammered.
11:00 PM – Temporarily lose your date because she’s now crying over the fact that her big threw up over the balcony and one of her sisters said she was “too controlling” during homecoming. Let her little deal with it while you continue to do work on the bottle you brought.
12:00 AM-12:00 PM – Who knows.
Congratulations! You survived a sorority formal. Your date thinks that everything she planned went perfectly, and you got laid. Everyone wins. You leave her to her obsessive post-formal Facebook’ing while you continue on with your life. Just don’t forget to press ignore when she calls you to cry about being sent to standards.