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Tick Bites Can Make You Allergic to Meat, I’m Never Going Outside Again

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Residents of North Carolina, Tennessee, Southern Missouri, Arkansas, and Australia, BE WARNED! If you happen to be bitten by God’s most evil creation, the Lone Star tick, there is a chance that you will develop a full blown meat allergy and pretty much be forced to become a vegetarian.

It’s rare that I’ll ever say this, but I’d rather be bitten on the dick by a poisonous toilet spider while a tandem of scorpions cling to my scrotum with their pincers and sting my testicles than go through the hell that would be contracting this meat allergy from an otherwise harmless tick bite.

The website isn’t as disturbed as I am about this newly discovered allergy. In fact they practically celebrate its existence. Of course they do.

While we do not recommend deliberately allowing white-spotted ticks to feast on you in hopes of finally breaking off your love affair with meat, you might want to look at it this way: if you convert to vegetarianism now, you won’t need to worry about miserably itchy attacks of hives as a consequence of tick bites.

Yeah… I don’t think I pants-lessly wander the woods and fields of southern Missouri often enough to justify voluntarily replacing my cheeseburgers and steaks with soggy portabella mushrooms. There are far more enjoyable ways to make myself permanently impotent. Instead of preemptively becoming a vegetarian to avoid the pains of this allergy I would instead kill all those ticks by burning down the forests they reside in. Then I’d grill a rare filet on the smoldering timbers. There is a short, insanely specific list of things that could get me to stop eating meat of my own free will and accord, here it is:

– I get AIDS, becoming and staying a vegetarian cures said AIDS

– Me becoming a vegetarian saves the world from the apocalypse, the U.S. government promises to provide me unlimited sex with celebrities of my choosing as repayment for giving up meat (the second part is NOT optional)

– A wizard casts a complex spell that makes vegetables magically start tasting like meat

– Becoming a vegetarian sets off some sort of butterfly effect that over the next decade caused America to sweep every major international competition (the World Cup, ALL summer and winter Olympic events, etc.) AND decisively end the War on Terror forever, causing God himself to come down to Earth and officially declare the United States of America the champions of existence in the universe

That’s seriously it. Right there. Nothing else. After all, pretty much nothing else is worth coming down with a case of Vaginitis.

Now excuse me while I go bathe in “Off.” I know I’m in Texas currently, but I don’t want to risk it.

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