And I bet you thought the brothers had killed me off by now. No chance fuckers, though I have been a little busy lately dealing with a fresh batch of IFC sanctions.
The Talentless Hustler
This kid…well at least this kid tries. He hasn’t quite been blessed with the same athletic prowess as his peers, but that doesn’t stop him from showing up to every single intramural game, two hours early, to start scouting opposing teams.
What this kid lacks in important sports qualities like talent and athleticism, he makes up for (somewhat) with sheer determination. He might not make the game-winning shot, or any shot whatsoever for that matter, but you can’t exactly tell him “No” because he’s the only one who didn’t drink excessively the night before, and thus the only one with the motivation to make hustle plays.
His crowning intramural achievement is usually something like a basketball game his sophomore year, when he took not one, but two charges. He’s probably a blocker on your flag football team, due to the simplicity of his responsibilities “Just shut up and get in the fucking way!”. He may been seen as the bitch of intramurals, and he most likely is. But at least he shows up, and that’s more than we can say about…
The Inconsistent All Star
You don’t know what it is about this kid, he’s just damn good at what he does. This kid was an all star at his sport of choice in high school, and is exactly what your team needs to succeed.
There’s only one problem: this motherfucker hardly ever shows up. His phone mysteriously shuts off an hour before game time, and after a crushing defeat you most typically will see him drunkenly stumbling around the fraternity house, saying he “totally forgot about it.”
We all know the truth here though. This kid has shifted his focus from his former sport of choice to the non-existent Intramural Drinking season (wouldn’t that be great). The best option for the Inconsistent All Star is to do your best to hide any alcohol in the house come playoff time. Also, a promise of a victory handle of Jameson is sure to pique his alcoholic tendencies.
Okay, so maybe this guy isn’t in EVERY fraternity. For that matter he isn’t in ANY fraternity per se, but that doesn’t stop your chapter from illegally putting him on the roster to bolster your team full of perma-drunks.
This kid is typically the “friend of a friend” who just so happens to play on one of your school’s club teams. He never quite got around to rushing, but that doesn’t mean you can’t “borrow” his athletic talents come playoff time.
If your chapter is going to implement a ringer, at least try to make him look believable. I don’t think anyone will be fooled by a team full of spanish speakers donning a KA jersey for the soccer championships.
This guy has seen it all. From the legendary championship push in ‘07, all the way to the 4th and 22 scandal of last semester, he’s not only been there, he’s been on the field.
This character is usually a grad student who still finds endless joy in physically dominating his much younger peers in any and all intramurals. During his tenure he has crafted the perfect angled softball pitch, the devastating two-quarterback option system, and the run-and-shoot basketball offense that leaves hungover brothers painfully reviewing their last meal on the sidelines.
His legacy in your house is obvious, but he’ll never be satisfied until you attain that All-Intramural cup. There is a significant likelihood he will somehow avoid graduation until that championship is secured.
The Obscure Sports Guru
You’re not sure why, but this guy seems to be an expert at all of the obscure intramural sports that no one else wanted to play. His racquetball backhand screams with the intensity of the Free Bird solo. His dodgeball throw curves perfectly into the face of his target. Water Polo? Forget about it, this guy can tread water for days.
If the “Obscure Sports Quarterly” magazine in the movie “Dodgeball” were a real publication, he wouldn’t just be a subscriber, he would be their Summer intern on assignment covering the Southeastern Regional Intermediate Croquet Championships.
While he may not contribute to the “real” intramural sports, there’s no denying his benefit to the house, as his Fraternity Bowling Championship trophy clearly demonstrates. Besides, hell, somebody has to show up to all those shitty sports.