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This Old Man Has Been Creepily Tweeting At Female Celebrities For Years In A Hilarious Attempt To Gain Their Attention

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The internet is a strange and terrifying place. There’s plenty of stuff on here that, quite frankly, should not exist. Twitter, albeit the greatest social media known to man, is not without its own oddities. And by “not without its own oddities,” I mean that if you venture deep into the bowels of Twitter, there is some really, really weird shit.

Take, for example, the account of one Bill Heller, also known as @steamheap69.

You’re probably thinking, “That’s a weird tweet,” and you’re right. It is a weird tweet. But by itself, it’s not that weird. Sure, the fact that he chose the handle @steamheap69 is a little disconcerting, but there’s a chance this creepy old man is just an obsessive Lindsay Lohan fan that felt compelled to show her his unkempt domicile. Maybe his wife passed away and he’s lonely. Maybe he doesn’t know this kind of social media behavior is generally frowned upon. Who are we to judge, right?

Unfortunately, there is more. So much more.

I’ll assume that, by now, you get the point. There are 581 of these tweets. It’s almost unbelievable. Some include photos, some don’t, but they all aim to deliver the same basic message to a singer, model, actress, or porn star. Many of these tweets are geotagged, and some even include Bill’s alleged address.

Below is Bill’s first tweet from July 17, 2010. His obsession with Lindsay Lohan is far from fresh.

That’s five years ago. FIVE FUCKING YEARS.

So, after digesting all of this, we’re left to draw one of two reasonable conclusions:

1. Bill Heller is a disturbingly horny old man that desperately wants to make sex with either an A-list celebrity (preferably Lindsay Lohan) or amateur porn star, and is using Twitter in an attempt to accomplish his goal.

2. Some comedic genius, or sociopath, has kept this running joke of a Twitter account going since 2010 for some inconceivable reason, which somehow makes him (or her) even weirder than Bill Heller would be if he was real.

Obviously, if he is real, it’s unusual that Mr. Heller only uses a handful of different photos in his 581 tweets. Maybe he’s lazy, or feels these few photos represent him best. Or maybe the lack of photographic variety serves as evidence that someone just ripped these photos off an old man’s Facebook and is completely undeterred by a lack of response to his incessant trolling.

We may never know the truth, but one thing is certain: this is hilarious.

If you have any information about Bill Heller, or Bill Heller is your grandfather and your life has just been turned completely upside down, or you’re the troll running the @steamheap69 account, please let us know. We need answers.

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UPDATE: Bill is now spitting game at college girls that have followed him as a result of this column. Absolutely no shame in his Twitter game. Just throwing out lines all over the place with no regard for human life.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

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