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This Hipster-Terrorist Might Be The Most Unlikable Human On Planet Earth

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I don’t yet know what to make of this situation because 20 minutes ago, before I knew such a character could even exist on this earth, I’d have told you that being a terrorist is the most deplorable way to spend your life, and thus, anyone wearing this label is the most widely hated. It doesn’t get more despicable than devoting your time on this planet to committing genocide and torturing people who don’t share your ideologies.

Then I was introduced to 23-year-old Aws Mohammed Younis Al-Jayab — a legit terrorist — and now I’m so confused. I’m confused on multiple levels.

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First of all, how does a radical Islamist become a coiffed-hair hipster? Doesn’t the hipster lifestyle directly conflict with their beliefs and way of life? Like I’m pretty sure Al-Jayab turns up at the club? Just poppin bottles and tossing clouds and taking Molly and grinding away on dance floors. This guy fucking vapes. And I’m pretty sure he googled something like “haircut desired by American women” and copied it exactly, when the wildly unkempt vibe seems to be most prevalent in terrorist rings. This guy knows the perfect Instagram filter for any setting and $100 says he has a fresh pair of Js at home.

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Now I don’t know if I hate him more for simply being a terrorist or for half-assing the whole terrorism bit so he can simultaneously maintain respect on the Sacramento hipster scene.

Like one minute he’s cleaning his throwback Russian SKS and the next he’s shopping online for two-toned Ray Ban Clubmasters. It’s just not working for me. Be dedicated to one life or don’t dedicate yourself at all. Your boys in Syria won’t trust you to detonate that vest if you show up for the job in joggers and retro Chuck Taylors. Wear a robe for me one time.

I guess it’s important to note that Al-Jayab was picked up and booked on charges related to being a dirty little terrorist-hipster.

From Daily Mail:

The Iraqi-born Palestinian man was arrested Thursday in Sacramento, California on charges he was plotting to travel to Syria to join the al-Nusra Front terrorist organization.

According to a criminal complaint against Al-Jayab, he communicated on social media about his intentions to return to Syria and also lied to citizenship officials about his travels to the country and ties to terrorist organizations.

Thankfully, he’s shitty at terrorism, getting popped like this and all. Shitty terrorist, idiot hipster, stupid hair. No one likes him. Have fun in jail.

[via Daily Mail]

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email:

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