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This Ad Of A Retired Navy SEAL Unloading A Mini Gun Won Him The Republican Nomination For Governor

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I don’t know anything about the Republican nominee for Missouri Governor, Eric Greitens, other than what I saw in his most recent campaign ad featured below. But from the 30 seconds of what was mostly Greitens unloading a mini gun, I am completely convinced it singlehandedly won him the Republican nod.

Absolute textbook stuff from Greitens here. You want to win a republican nomination? He essentially just gave you the 30-second blueprint. The commercial hit all the right (winged) notes as if it were an elephant with a Jesus heart tattoo wearing a red, white, and blue Dale Earnhardt “3” tank top while playing “The Star-Spangled Banner” on an electric guitar with sparks flying out of the headstock. It was a Ronald Reagan reference away from being full-fledged Republican porn. Rock. Flag. Eag…aw just finished.

Let’s break it down, shall we? A claim that you’re under attack from the oppressive tyranny of one Barack Obama whether completely genuine or not? That’s a must. Get every last drop of milk from that cow’s overworked udders while you still can.

A casual mention that you’re a Bronze Star and Purple Heart recipient? As I tell my Afghanistan veteran roommate everyday, “Thank you for your service.” Talk about a card to play. If there’s one complaint I have with the ad, it’s that the reference to those accolades was entirely too subtle. Greitens campaign slogan should just be “I got shot for your freedom,” and I’m almost certain his Republican opponents would have been required by the party’s bylaws to concede the nomination. Pretty sure that’s how it works.

“He’ll defend the 2nd amendment,” while spending the entire commercial spraying bullets into the horizon with no regard for life? Hammer, meet nail. Then to close it out by plastering the words “Patriot” and “Conservative” into the final shot was just the cherry atop of the perfectly constructed Republican sundae to get it engrained into the voters heads that incase you forgot about the whole “taking a fucking flesh wound during his service” thing, this dude really loves our country — minus the government. Really no surprise Greitens locked down the nomination in a state that’s home to the Ozarks.

Image via Youtube

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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