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Things You Should Know Before Tranquilizing Yourself With Xanax

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The prescription drug Xanax is becoming much more than just a “prescription” drug. It’s a best selling medication in both the legal and illegal industries, which is all but astounding in a market dominated by opiate sales, such as ours. I’ve been around Xanax a handful of times, and I still don’t understand why or how it became a craze. Best case scenario: You pop a couple bars and fall asleep. Worst case scenario: You pop a couple bars and don’t fall asleep. Either way, you’re going to think you’re asleep. Hopefully you wake up in your bed and not behind the wheel of a moving car.

As far as intricately explaining the effects of Xanax, words just don’t do justice, so watch this guy be barred out in a bathroom with a bowl of Captain Crunch.

Clearly, Xanax isn’t for the weekend warrior type of drug abuser. You have to be able to trust your fucked up self to not fuck things up for your sober self, which is an ability that a lot of people lack.

The medical purpose of Xanax is to give those struggling with anxiety some sort of control over their disorder. Mr. Tearaway Track Pants from the video demonstrated an obvious lack of control. He probably fell asleep right there in that bathroom, and he probably gobbled down some soggy cereal the next morning. But I’ll be damned if he wasn’t as relaxed as a man can possibly be without some sort of hand-to-titty contact, or face-to-titty contact, or dick-to-titty contact, or any other situation involving contact with titties. The drug lives up to its expectations.

Xans fall under the benzodiazepine (benzo) umbrella, which, according to the good people at, can be classified more broadly as “tranquilizers.” How did tranquilizing yourself at the pregame, before the pregame, before the Thursday night bar crawl become a trend? That makes me so concerned about what might happen to the beloved pastime of dad drinking while cycling a couple joints, like civilized human beings. I just can’t see the reason in taking a pill that has a high probability of devolving your brain functions to a time before you knew how to speak.

The science behind what makes people do what they do on Xanax revolves around a single type of neurotransmitter in the brain called GABA. Its job is to slow the firing of neurons, which in turn causes the central nervous system to slow down. The amount of GABA present in the brain dictates the intensity of feelings such as anxiety. The more you have of one, the less you have of the other. Xanax causes the brain’s GABA levels to spike, which is why normal people spend a few hours being retarded after taking it.

In short, Xanax acts as a desensitizing lube for your emotions. If sex without pleasure is something you’re into, maybe it’s worth a shot. Pop a couple bars and before you know it, you’ll be ready to fuck your life for hours without having to worry about triggering those psychological defense mechanisms that would normally cause you to finish early.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

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Swoop Johnson

I'd like to thank Jesus, my family, and Busch Light for getting me to where I am today.

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