Guys, I’d like to introduce you to the Elon Musks of using a penis. A group of young British men who, for lack of a better word, prey on the fact that most Americans’ idea of high culture is dinner at the Olive Garden and a Cirque de Soliel show choreographed to the music of Beyoncé. These Brits trek across America, from college town to college town, slaying our women like their ancestors used to slay dragons (or the Irish).
Of course, it’s no secret that a British accent (or an Australian accent, as I learned first hand) has a certain effect on American women. If Channing Tatum and Benedict Cumberbatch walked into an Ohio bar together they’d basically be on an even playing field, which is bananas. You give Benedict a Minnesota accent instead and women are gripping their pepper spray in case the lanky, curly haired serial killer comes any closer. And this is something these Brits readily acknowledge, by the way.
I mean, I’m literally average. Everyone says I look like Michael Cera! Google it! I do! But I’ll speak to every girl here, same game.
But it’s not the mere fact that these brilliant British bastards are using their accent for ass that makes them genius. It’s also where and why.
Have you seen Love Actually? Who came up with your plan to come here and do this, and when did it start?
Dan: About two years ago, I did. Other people come, my brother and that. This is William’s first trip with us. We just thought, and not based on that movie, but in general, “Why go to Vegas and make things hard?” Everyone there is trying to show off, money and that.
Chris: But in America in, say, Arizona, or wherever, it’s absolute nothingness! You know, in Westchester, Pennsylvania, it’s forest for miles.
Carl: It’s that pull. That pull of being foreign, of being English, that’s a big pull here.
Chris: Right. Like, Alabama is the best place!
William: A British accent is nothing [in San Diego,] but middle America? It’s the best tool in the world.
The group has hit Bama, Syracuse, Arizona State, West Virginia, and Georgia among other schools. When the group went to Auburn it was such a big deal that British people were simply in town (I assume the city is Olive Garden-less) that an Auburn student wrote a story in the school paper about their visit. Considering the hullabaloo Auburn threw over them, their visit to the Plains sort of reminds me of the plot of The Music Man, except you have to substitute music lessons for British penis and at the end the swindler gets what he wants and quickly leaves town.
When you read things like this, it’s hard not to want to do anything other than take acting lessons to perfect an English accent.
Have you ever had a girlfriend in all this?
Chris: When I went to Athens, Georgia. I was really good! I behaved. After we broke up, I went on spring break in Panama City. Nine girls. Five days.
It is, from what I’ve heard, a two-way street, though. At least from what I’ve been told by friends and military members who have visited Australia. In the right country, an American accent kills (ironically it does in the wrong country too, but Spring Break Syria was never really on the table anyway). So keep being you, you dirty British scoundrels. Now excuse me while I go look up whatever the equivalent of state schools in the UK are.