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Alcoholic scientists at the University of Missouri — proud alma matter of esteemed alumni like 1960s suicide bomber Thomas Doty and reputable mopper of testicular fluids, Rob Fox III — have published a study claiming that there are four types of drunk people in this world.
[The] study, which involved 374 undergraduates at a large Midwestern university, drew from literature and pop culture in order to conclude that there are four types of drinkers: the Mary Poppins, the Ernest Hemingway, the Nutty Professor and the Mr. Hyde.
Four? Bullshit, Mizzou. There are only two types of drunks in this world: people who slurringly whisper the lyrics of Carly Rae Jespen’s “Call Me Maybe” into unsuspecting and visibly disturbed women’s ears during fraternity parties, and weirdos.
Per the study, 40% of people make up the Ernest Hemingway demo (For those not in the know about Mr. Hemingway’s drinking exploits, check out Sterling Cooper’s classic column about the legend and thank me). Dude was a inspiration. Hemingway drunks, according to the study, do not exhibit any remarkable personality changes when drinking. This is said to be largely due to the fact that these degenerates have developed such a tolerance to distilled beverages and liver scarring, they could drink the entire nation of Ireland under the table. I suspect many of our seasoned postgrad readers, of whom the novelty of drinking has long passed, fall under this category. May they rest in peace when they inevitably succumb to cirrhosis in five years.
Alternatively, the second most common form of drunks, the Mary Poppins drinkers, are said to become nicer, sweeter versions of themselves when they toss back a few rounds of grandpa’s favorite cough medicine. Mary Poppins drinkers are also colloquially known as “pussies.”
Batting third behind the aforementioned types comes the Nutty Professors, a category made up of introverts who, thanks to the powerful magical spell of liquid courage, become the life of the party. I hate to put this on the public record, but this is 10/10 my category. Give me a few Makers and I go from clean-cut, somewhat soft-spoken kid standing around a circle near the bar telling jokes, to full-on Kenny Powers mode, roasting motherfuckers, buying rounds, and watching my bank account decrease more rapidly than Freddie Mercury’s white blood cell count.
Rounding out the four categories are the Mr. Hydes- the out of control monsters who feel the need to fight and break shit every time they drink. Most of you scoundrels probably fall under this description. God help the pledges who have to clean up after all y’all.
So there you have it. 4 categories of drunk to rule them all, 4 categories of drunk to find them pantsless covered in various bodily fluids, 4 categories of drunk to bring them all to the drunk tank, and in their blackout bind them. Forget liberal theories like “climate change” or “gravity.” This is the kind of science that I can get behind. .