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The headline says it all, really, and as much as I’d like to say I can’t relate to this kid — a 14-year-old hockey player abusing his dick like he’s actually a football player and his penis is a beloved family member — that wouldn’t be honest of me, for you see, I too…was a stud hockey player in high school.
Just kidding. I masturbated a lot, obviously. I’m talking cruising old school MILF Hunter for hours at a time, only taking breaks to wonder in awe to myself, “How does this guy keep pulling all these MILFS!?!?” That is until my dad caught on (checked his credit card statement) and explained that it was all fake and this heroic, goateed Floridian wasn’t actually pulling MILFS, but, rather, paying mature looking adult film actresses to pose as real life MILFs, and thus ruining the magic for me forever. Meanwhile, he’s totally okay with letting me believe Santa Claus is real until I’m 19 and — you know what? Just forget it. Here’s the story on our perpetually white knuckled hockey playing friend, from the advice column Dear Prudence (emphasis mine):
Q. My Son Can’t Keep His Hands Off Himself: I am a single mother with a 14-year-old son. I knew this time was coming but now I fear I am close to my wit’s end. I have seen evidence in his bedroom, the laundry room, and the kitchen. I know this is normal, but how much is too much? Things escalated last week when his hockey coach called me in for a conference. I have noticed my son has been taking a lot of penalties this season. It turns out he has been intentionally going to the penalty box to pleasure himself.
The most genius part of this kid’s plan is that if they catch him giving himself a dry, OTPHJ in the penalty box he’ll just get sent back to the locker room and have the whole place to himself. He’s really putting his coaches between a rock and a hard, well, I think we all know what direction that was heading.
“Just let him finish in the box, Steve. We send him back to the locker room and this team isn’t going to have any clean towels to shower with.”
In response, this “Prudence” lady was all like “have a talk with your kid blah blah blah family communication is important.” Lame. I’ve always been of the opinion that the best way to teach children is through manipulation and fear. It works for pledges, after all. If it were me dealing with my kid, I’d invite over a friend to pose as a doctor and lay out the following options for the kid on the dining room table: A veterinary cone he has to wear around his dick, sandpaper gloves that only I could unlock, and elctro-shock underwear activated by his fingerprints. After informing him that he can either stop masturbating every time he sees a commercial with a woman dressed less conservatively than the Amish, or wear one of those until he’s a legal adult and “good luck explaining why to your friends,” I’m confident the boner would be scared out of him.
If you don’t curb this behavior when they’re young, one day the kid is going to be waking up from a blackout in an Amsterdam brothel with his now bent dick burning, raw, and wrapped in gauze..
Image via NHL.com