There’s Nothing More “Millennial” Than Hating Millennials

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I just watched “Dear Elders, I’m Sorry” — a video where a young person tells young people how much they suck. (Also, Dear Elders? Did she make this video after getting Pa some fresh water from the crick?) I feel like I’ve watched at least a thousand of these videos. They always get me because of the hook. This one got me because our very own TFM named it “Smoking Hot Blonde Goes Scorched Earth On Millennials For Being Pieces Of Trash.” Which, bravo to whoever wrote that title. It’s got everything I want: Hot blondes, the word “scorched,” and shit talking. I love all of that. I was erect before clicking. Well, I just got done watching this “hot blonde” tell me how much millennials suck and I feel the same nothing feeling I felt after the hot brunette told me we sucked. I feel the same “I’ll masturbate to this later” feeling I felt when the hot redhead told me we take too many selfies. I feel the same “Oh shut up” feeling I felt when the one-armed chick I’d bang for the story told me I should hold the door open for old people but in a non-condescending way. Yes, there’s no hot chick telling me I’m a piece shit video that’s going to stop me from being a piece of shit. And you know what? The same goes for you. We are all going to watch reality TV and talk about Lemonade as if it were the new Bible and take a selfie and admire its beauty under each filter. No “hot blonde” is ever going to scorch me enough.

It’s mainly because I don’t trust the source. Sorry, “hot chicks” of the world. I don’t think you’re living the same reality as us normals. On average, I’m giving a hot girl ten extra seconds to tell her story. It doesn’t matter what that story is. She’s getting my full, no iPhone checks, attention (I’m a hero, I know). I mean, I clicked on this video because of “Smoking Hot Blonde…” I’d click on any link that started with “Smoking hot blonde…” If TFM posted “Smoking Hot Blonde Tells Us Why The Holocaust Never Happened,” I’d stop eating my Passover matzoh and hear out her point. Maybe this plays to her point of our generation sucking but I think it’s that we all suck. Every generation clicks on “Smoking Hot Blonde…” and no generation clicks on “Meh Chick Has A Good Point.”

“Hot blonde” could have an issue understanding the world lands in more of the grey than the black and white. I’m going to assume she doesn’t understand that because she talks about holding doors open for old people a lot. I just don’t see that happening. I’m not looking for people and their door habits but I don’t see this as an issue today. It’s something she can say that nobody could disagree with. For it to be a point, I’d have to see people slamming doors on old people’s faces and I just don’t. The world is grey. Sometimes a door gets held open and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes good people also watch the Kardashians. And sometimes your grandma who is upset at kids today was also the same person who couldn’t imagine sharing a water fountain with a black person. We all have our things.

As much as we don’t want to admit it, we are all judged by our covers. If you’re sitting on the toilet reading this and can look past your phone to see some boat shoes, then you’re considered a certain “source.” Your parents have some money, you care a little too much about a college football team, you only have white friends, and your opinion on race relations doesn’t matter. That may not be fair but that’s the prism in which you are viewed. I feel the same way about this hot chick. She can’t tell me how much I should watch Kim Kardashian because she doesn’t know why I would watch a reality show. I watch it to escape my life. To look and see what that goof did today so I don’t have to think about how my rent gets paid.

And that’s why these videos are nonsense. I’m sure Hot Blonde has her problems and her subtle nuances that make her a person that is special to a lot of people. But this video doesn’t show any of that. No vulnerability. No humility. Just a hot chick stipping the world into black and white. She shares them to a very specific audience who can only agree and now a team is formed. A team that hates the Kardashians and Kardashian people and now anyone who watches a bad reality show doesn’t hold the door open for old people. Only hate, no empathy. No real understanding that we are all imperfect beings who are just trying to eat, sleep, cum, and get to our weekends while always fitting into our jeans after they get washed. I’m a piece of shit. You’re a piece of shit. That’s okay.

Image via Shutterstock

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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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