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There’s An Anti-Masturbation Cross, And It Looks Like Torture

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Masturbation is an age-old tradition that goes back to the days of the cavemen. It’s a God given right to rub one out whenever you please, but now, someone is trying to take that right away from you with the Anti-Masturbation Cross. And they think we are the heathens.

The Anti-Masturbation Cross is said to “safely train your children to keep their hands off their dangerous sin zones.” It comes equipped with all the goods necessary to keep you from touching your goods. Just when you think it can’t get any more criminal, it does. You can get the optional arm-immobilizing accessory that will allow your child to be in a “firm, spread-eagle position.”

I’m no scientist, but strapping your kid into a cross-like structure isn’t going to keep them from learning about the wonders of masturbation–boys will be boys. As the saying goes, 95 percent of all guys masturbate and the other 5 percent are fucking liars. It’s inevitable that boys will eventually stumble upon their dads’ old Playboy stashes and choke the chicken to Ms. April 1995 (Danelle Folta for those wondering).
 On a bit of a side note, I find myself increasingly becoming a fan of a nicely maintained bush, or a little landing strip for when I request a flyby. That’s an affirmative, Ghostrider.

Fortunately, this thing doesn’t actually exist yet. It’s bound to hit the markets soon, though. Some sick-minded individual out there is on a mission to end masturbation and he is the worst kind of person. I’d go so far as to put him on the same level as communists and terrorists. Now, go randomly select a sorority Tumblr and play the stand up organ just out of spite.

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[via Elite Daily]

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Harrison Lee

The Boulevard is a Content Manager for Grandex, Inc. He hates soccer and terrorists. He will forget more about sports than you will ever know in your lifetime.

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