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There Is A Serial Ass Grabber Roaming The Princeton Campus

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There is a red-headed, perverted maniac maneuvering his way around the Princeton University campus, fondling girls’ asses at every turn.

Police have begun an investigation on the Ivy League campus in New Jersey, where they say an individual, or individuals, have been ass-grabbing girls for almost a week now.

From The Daily Princetonian (solid school paper name, btw):

The second fondling incident in four days was reported Sunday at around 4:20 p.m. between Whig Hall and Murray-Dodge Hall.

The case follows a fondling incident reported on Thursday night outside the Friend Center.

“The incidents are still under investigation but at this time there is no indication that they are related,” University spokesperson Martin Mbugua said.

In the more recent scenario, according to an email from the Department of Public Safety, a female student reported that an unidentified man struck her buttocks as she was walking north. She was not injured.

The suspect then reportedly fled by bicycling toward Firestone Library.

So yeah, I suppose someone could say these incidents might not be related. But let’s be real here, this is no coincidence. There is a ginger ass-grabber on the loose at Princeton. Read this description and try to tell me it is anything less than terrifying:

The suspect was described by the student as light-complexioned, red-haired and wearing a white shirt and backpack, the email said. He was accompanied by another light-complexioned man wearing a blue shirt and backpack on a bicycle. Both men are about 5 feet 11 inches tall and around 20 years old.

I appreciate that he brought a getaway vehicle with him. The firecrotch’s plan, I guess, is to spot an ass belonging to an unsuspecting female student, get into position, grab it, sprint to his bicycle and ride away. I’m not sure what his sidekick is for, but it’s safe to assume that this dynamic duo is the least dangerous group of sexual deviants on the planet.

Police are encouraging anyone with information about these incidents to contact them immediately.

[via Daily Princetonian]

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