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There Are Two Types of People: Tits vs. Ass

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There are many outside of our ranks who would look upon Greek life as a homogenized conglomerate of frat stars and frockets, devoid of diverse opinions and assorted attitudes. I’d like to correct that mistake. Under our lettered exteriors lurk critical and divisive topics, broken down into two competing schools of thought. Today, we’ll be taking a closer look at those two types of people.


Sweater puppies. Chest cannons. Honka-honkas. By whatever name you may recognize them by, boobs are universally agreed upon to be pretty great. Trying to look a large-chested girl wearing a low-cut shirt in the eyes is nearly impossible. Our attention is drawn into them naturally like a vortex, and escaping from that chamber of cleavage without getting caught is a skill practiced over and over through a process of trial and embarrassing error. Of course, with the advancement of the “shameless staring” movement, the plight of the mammary-gawking man has finally received the attention that it deserves. But what is it about boobs that makes them so fantastic?

Certainly the amount of activities that they afford needs to be factored in. A nice pair of knockers present almost endless possibilities, from the classic motorboat all the way to the simple squeeze. You can even use them as mountains for your Matchbox cars, or whatever. And the way that they feel is unparalleled. Like pudding-filled balloon bags of endless bliss. They’re oddly hypnotizing, and no matter how many you’ve squeezed in the past, you always want to squeeze more. Old men lying on their death bed filled with regrets wished they had honked more boobs in their younger years. It’s every man’s unspoken quest to eventually find that one pair of perfect tits, although as with any chase for perfection, you always believe that the next pair might be the two. Like Don Quixote and his windmills, this search has driven men to madness and compelled women to make their own destiny. In the chase for glory, we have turned from that which has been given to that which has been created.

This leads to further considerations. All-natural or synthetic? I have a personal preference for an un-enhanced chest armory. Many men, however, are comfortable with the silicon stuff. To me, the bounce is off and the feel isn’t there, but if you are one to gravitate to sheer size this may be the best option. My perfect pair is perky and full, and in my experience a natural set really captures that ideal balance.

While we all have default images of what our perfect twins may look like, we can all agree that for some men, the breasts make the girl. It’s what grabs their attention first, what they focus on in the bedroom, and what makes them want to lock their owner down for the long term. For others, that motivation comes in the form of a distinctly southward situation.


It has become officially recognized that this year will go down in the annals of history as the year of ass. With the explosion of the #buttstuff2015 movement, you can’t go anywhere without someone talking about eating the booty like groceries or joking about hip dysplasia. And to be frank, it’s great.

Girls are going to the gym just to work on their butts, squat racks are filling up faster than Apple stores selling the 6S, and clothing has never been more optimized to show off these backdoor skill sets. From high-waisted jean shorts to form-fitting yoga pants, never before have men lived in such an age where the booty was so proudly bounced about.

As great as boobs look in a beach scene bikini, the floss that some girls are now stringing up their backsides and calling bathing suits is truly incredible. With the invention and acceptance of the thong bikini, cheeks are now free to fly at warm-weather spots across the country, prompting men everywhere to don shades for reconnaissance and reassurance that this is indeed real life.

Many of you heathens will be familiar with the phrase “Marry the ass, buy the tits.” Indeed, having a great backside is not something one can change easily. You either have it or you don’t. Girls with bountiful buns are so eager to show them off because, unlike the gals upstairs, there truly is no substitute for a naturally firm ass.

Grabbing a handful of toned tush is one of life’s great pleasures, not to mention all of the boudoir benefits that one gets with an ass-inclined girl. Whether smackable, grabable, or grindable, a great ass focuses the center of attention like a tractor beam for guys associated with the anal anatomy. Unlike the cleavage clamp listed above, watching a girl in a tight-fitting dress saunter back to her seat provides a safe view for you and the rest of the bar without fear of repercussion — not to mention all of the brownie points earned upon discovering she’s down with pounding the south town. It’s really a win-win for all involved.

In the end, whether you identify more with ass or tits, what really matters is that we can unite in our appreciation for the female body and all of the soft, squeezable parts they let us play with.

Unless, of course, you’re attracted to a girl’s face. That’s just weird.

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