There Are Two Types of People: Beer vs. Liquor

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====


There are many outside of our ranks who would look upon Greek life as a homogenized conglomerate of frat stars and frockets, devoid of diverse opinions and assorted attitudes. I’d like to correct that mistake. Under our lettered exteriors lurk critical and divisive topics, broken down into two competing schools of thought. Today, we’ll be taking a closer look at those two types of people.

Beer People

Nested within the wide world of pregaming, there exist two main options: beer or liquor. This classic conundrum has vexed those looking for the turn up since the very origin of the pre-party. In one corner are those dedicated to the brew.

People who are adamant about sticking to beer while trying to get their buzz on usually have some unsubstantiated and wildly exaggerated story about the last time they ventured over into liquor. Typically peppered with tales of unyielding vomit and garbled gag reflexes, beer types of people can quickly become enraged and uncontrollable if the peer pressure of shots is suddenly forced upon them.

In order to compensate both for their distaste of liquor and for their need to physically consume a greater volume of fluid to reach an equal level of inebriation, the beer-beloved are usually champion drinkers. Having consumed so much beer throughout the course of their career, they can crush cans like no one else. While giving rise to their conspicuous dad bods, it also makes them nothing less than an athlete at things like shotgunning, keg stands, and beer bongs.

When pressed for the rationale behind their pint-only preference, most beer types typically fall back on several common and key arguments. Besides taste, beer drinkers almost universally claim to have enjoyed their beverage for so long and so aggressively that it practically has become second nature to them. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard the classic “It tastes just like water to me at this point” line as a brother smugly knocks back his ninth Natty Light of the evening.

In addition to the acclimation argument above, most beer drinkers will also appeal to a sense of fiscal responsibility. They stick to cheap light beers for the pregame when volume is a necessity, possibly followed up then by something with a bit higher ABV once they get to the bars. Since racks of the light stuff are so cheap, they claim to be getting the most debauchery per dollar. While their logic may be slightly flawed based on simple considerations of volume, it is nearly impossible to reason with them otherwise.

Finally, beer drinkers like to invoke a sense of patriotism into their liquid conquests. Indeed, there’s nothing more American than pounding a brew literally cheaper than water, crushing a few cold ones at the house, and asserting your belched-out brotherhood for all the world to see.

Liquor People

In the other corner of the inebriation impasse are those who hold tighter to the bottle than Luke Bryan performing on a spring break beach front. People who drink only liquor at pregames are prone to bouts of pervasive blackouts, hooking up with seriously questionable women, and possessing a detrimental disregard for the law. Liquor-loving brothers are usually much more of a wildcard, and frequently need some sort of half-assed supervision to make sure they don’t do anything too serious.

While there’s much choice and variety in the type of hard alcohol that one may select for copious consumption, a few common threads run through these gems of the gin and tonic. First, those who stick to liquor almost always try to call out those drinking beer as being a little bitch. To prove their point, the liquor-loving among us will wave off all chasers before taking pull after pull from the bottom-shelf bottle of choice, powerpointing all over the party to make sure everyone sees his smug satisfaction of swill.

Those of us with the rapport for rum and the blessing of bourbon also claim to have the cost-saving advantage on their side. Since their drink of choice contains such a higher proportion of alcohol, they claim not to need to buy or drink nearly as much to feel the same effects as those bent on beer alone. However, liquor drinkers seem to have lost their limits a long time ago. When you finish a bottle the same night that you opened it, your costs of continued inebriation are going to add up very quickly. And that’s just for the alcohol. If you fancy yourself a mixer, be prepared to throw in a few more bones onto the pile.

Finally, there’s the challenge of pacing yourself. It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of out-drinking yourself before the party even begins for the liquor inclined. Many a whiskey-wisher has hit the bottle a bit too hard, too early in the game, landing them in the next lineup for Fail Friday, and no one likes the guy who peaks way before everybody else at the party.

While these two types of people may seemingly live in conflict, each has the common goal of getting fucked up, and on that noble ground we may strive for settlement. Whether you prefer a Miller Lite to some Maker’s Mark, or a pull of Jim Beam to a can of Busch, there’s room for all under our letters. Remember, in the end, it’s all alcohol.

Beer or liquor?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

Email this to a friend

35 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

The Feed