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It’s hardly a controversial statement to say that Eminem is one of the greatest rappers to ever grab a mic. He’s probably in the top five, dead or alive. The Slim Shady LP, The Marshall Mathers LP, and The Eminem Show are three of the best rap albums in history. He’s also easily the best white rapper of all time. Obviously he doesn’t have much competition, though — Macklemore is a pretentious bag of asses, Iggy Azalea is an obnoxious, racist cartoon, and I’m pretty sure Mac Miller and G-Eazy both moonlight as meth dealers.
But with all that being said, I have a theory about Marshall. I’m a lifelong fan of his vivid lyrical imagery and filthy vernacular that powerfully articulates his deep, emotional demons. After years of listening to every song multiple times, watching his music videos, and popping in my 8 Mile DVD, I’ve come to a conclusion:
Eminem is still going through puberty.
Yes, the man is 44 years old, but I truly believe that he has some sort of rare disease that keeps him trapped in the stages of puberty for all eternity. This man has a severe disorder, and this is no laughing matter. So I write this not to bash Slim; I write this as a loyal Stan. I’ve noticed the warning signs, and I’m concerned.
Let’s break down the different pieces of evidence.
1. He never has facial hair
Think about how long Em has been a global superstar. Ever since 1999, he’s dominated the airwaves. We’ve all seen his face constantly on TV, the internet, and even a few movies. Have we ever seen him with a beard, though? EVER?! I tried to google “pictures of Eminem with a beard” and my computer exploded. Suspicious.
2. He has mood swings
When you go through puberty, your hormones are all over the place. You’re an unpredictable ball of intense emotions; extremely sensitive and irritable, like a bipolar schizophrenic, or rabid pit bull, or the 45th president of the United States. His songs totally vary in mood. “Ass Like That” is dumb and goofy, “Lose Yourself” is an inspiring ode to confidence, and “Kim” is about him brutally murdering his own wife. This man is never in the same mood for more than five minutes. Concerning.
3. He has an admiration for potty humor
Eminem is a musical genius, but he ain’t the most mature man in America. If you listen to Encore, half of the songs are packed to the brim with piss jokes and fart sound effects. Songs like “Big Weenie” and the aforementioned hit single “Ass Like That” are just five minute catchy dick jokes over sick Dre beats. The dude still needs to grow up. Thought-provoking.
4. Sexual perversion
When you go through puberty, you become obsessed with sex (some of us never get out of that phase). Eminem is obviously obsessed with sex, in a way that’s not only unhealthy, but also disgusting and evil. He’s constantly making rape jokes, referencing his cock and balls, and talking about fucking multiple female celebrities. But don’t worry; I understand that last part. It describes me, Wally Bryton, too. Courageous.
5. He lashes out at his parents
Eminem has even more daddy issues than my girlfriend back in high school. The guy constantly raps about all his anger towards his father. On top of that, he keeps flip flopping on his mother. For years he openly despised her, most famously on his song “Cleanin’ Out My Closet.” In 2013, he finally apologized to her on the song “Headlights,” so at least he realizes his mistakes. Still, he needs to stop taking out his anger on his damn mother. Classic teenager move. Questionable.
6. He still looks really young
Try to argue with that and all the rest of my evidence. You can’t..
Image via Shutterstock