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Every good community has a lexicon of important terms and phrases. It’s what separates us from the animals (or in this case, the GDIs). However, some in our community takes things a little bit too far and decide to actually, without irony, use terrible catchphrases. These are the kind of things that make you want to beat that person within an inch of their life using only your bare hands and, potentially, the abominations unto nature they call their favorite pair of Sperrys. I’ve compiled a list of the worst offenders, but feel free to add on in the comments.
1) “I’m a fucking fratstar.”
Around here we like to consider ourselves fratty gentleman, but the second a guy says this about himself, I start looking for windows to cunt punt him through. It’s like the world’s douchiest attempt at bragging, wrapped up in a healthy dose of narcissistic vanity and finished with an impressive layer of obliviousness. The guy who frequently says this is a guy doing too many steroids, or staring at himself in the mirror for way too long.
2) “I’m going to haze the balls off these pledges.”
No, actually, you’re probably not. You’re probably the guy in the house that builds himself up to be the big deal Hazemaster Supreme, only to cry when a pledge gets snarky and calls you on your crippling insecurity issues. Also, saying you’re going to “(blank) the balls off” anything is a pretty gay thing to say. Why the fascination with balls there? Why, specifically, the pledges’ balls? If polled, the average person who knows you would rate you “Most Likely to Be Involved in a Gay Intern Sexual Harassment Scandal” some day in the future.
3) “I’m frat because I shop at (insert store here).”
You aren’t, actually. The whole concept of being “fratty” does not revolve around how many popped collar Brooks Brothers polos you can stack with your lime green Vineyard Vines pants and matching pairs of croakies and Costas. You fail to realize that it’s a lifestyle, not just a look. You can look the part, but if you’re the guy bitching out after beer number six or constantly complaining that you can’t go to an event because you have something else to do, you’re the worst kind of brother. We had a guy exactly like this. He always looked the part and made a great first impression at our events, but then you got to know him. After that he was a rousing disappointment. Don’t be that guy, because no one likes the super fratty social chair that gets physically thrown out of a mixer he’s supposed to be running. Being an irresponsible dick to your brothers doesn’t make you fratty. It makes you a widely loathed chucklefuck.
4) “I’m gettin’ swole.”
The gym-rat subculture of our community really irks me. That’s not because they’re getting fit, any respectable gentleman knows that working out is key to killing it, both in the business world and in life in general, but because they brag about it, all the time. You cannot go 20 minutes without discussing their diet and workout routine in enough depth to make your own P90X clone. By the end of the “swole” asshole’s rants, you’re qualified for a minor in dietetics, despite having never taken a class in it. Be a normal human being and go to the gym without bragging any time you’re doing it. You just make everyone else feel shitty when you bring it up all the time.
5) “I’m entirely too frat to care.”
This will be a controversial pick. I’m guilty of using this one when I get one (or five) too many into my drinking. Any of my brothers will tell you, I’ve said some ridiculous shit, but you have to save this one for truly applicable situations. Using it when you don’t go to class or something is pants-on-head retarded. You save this one for truly ridiculous fuck-ups. Destroyed your entire closet when you accidentally got so drunk that you pissed on everything? Shameful, but potentially applicable. Broke a limb in an all night bender ending in a trip to the local drunk tank? Probably reasonable. Failing an exam? No. Fuck you. You’re making us look bad. If you’re going to use this one, don’t abuse it. Save it for when it really counts, and will be a funny story 20 years from now. Either use it ironically, or save it for the big fuck-ups. Only you can prevent the abuse of TFTC.
There are many, many more, but these are the worst offenders. Try not to make the rest of us look like braindead dicks by using these in conversation with the average person. The stereotypes we all have to deal with are bad enough without every idiot with a polo frat tat and a popped collar dropping them all over the place.