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The Weekly Dump: Poop Bandit Terrorizes Little Rock Neighborhood

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bad smell face

Before you say anything, yes, I know it was selfish of me to take a week-long vacation without telling anyone. It brings a shame-filled tear to my eye just picturing all your eager faces as you refreshed and refreshed the TFM page all of last Friday only to come to the cold realization that The Weekly Dump would not be coming. It probably brought back harsh memories of the time you sat by the front door that rainy Sunday in April of ’95, waiting for pops to come back. “Must be a long line at the cigarette store,” you thought to yourself.

Anyway, I broke my promise to dump on you weekly, and for that, I am sorry. But your boy is back on the ones and twos, but mainly just the twos (this guy’s got jokes!), to remix the hottest poop tracks that the worldwide weberino has to offer.

“DJ, spin that shit!” Well, don’t mind if I do.

Feces-smearing passenger prompts flight diversion: Authorities

From CBS News:

United Airlines flight 895, from Chicago to Hong Kong, was sent to Anchorage due to a “passenger smearing feces everywhere,” according to Ted Stevens International Airport Police.

They say the adult male smeared the excrement in a couple of bathrooms, and took off his shirt and tried to stuff it in a toilet. He was cooperative with the flight crew and was seated when the flight landed in Anchorage.

This is why you wait until AFTER you land to do bath salts.

Jersey evolves toward poop toys

From New Jersey 101.5:

Why the obsession with poop toys? It’s because we’ve “evolved” as a society to the point that they are acceptable. Once upon a time you never talked about poop in public, now it’s acceptable. Actually, society finally caught up to what’s been funny and entertaining since time and life began. What’s the first thing that made you laugh even before you could speak? I can see a caveman putting his finger out to a baby caveman and grunting so the baby can pull it. If you look at the hieroglyphics, you’ll actually see drawings of people holding their fingers out to little ones.

Experts say poop toys such as those that crank out fake feces, turds, or loud farts are expected to blow up sales in such stores a Walmart, Target, and Toys R Us.

Only in New Jersey would selling poop toys be considered evolving. To be fair, Jersey kids have been entertaining themselves with sticks and marbles for the past 100 years, so it only makes sense that they’d be going nuts for fake pieces of shit.

But hey, if that’s what’s hot in the streets, that’s what’s hot in the streets. Just imagine how nuts the Jersey youths would go once they discover that video games exist though. There’d be riots in the streets. Maybe starting them slow so they don’t completely blow their loads is the right move. You can’t go right from sticks to next-gen consoles.

It’s gotta be poop toys then board games then chapter books then actions figures and then old school Atari. Of course, we’ll have to wait at least another 50 years until we expose them to Playstation and Xbox. It’s the only way to ensure safety on the east coast.

Arkansas neighborhood plagued by poop bandit

From KSN:

Residents in a Little Rock, Arkansas neighborhood are hoping security camera footage can help identify a jogger targeting homeowners in a foul manner.

Tiffany Mattzela had barely set off for breakfast last Saturday morning when a sight outside her home quickly killed her appetite.

“I came around to get in the passenger side of the vehicle, and I noticed a huge pile of feces,” Mattzela recalled.

Assuming a big dog and irresponsible owner were to blame, she and her fiance went back to look at their security cameras.

“When we did, we found it was not a dog,” Mattzela explained. “It was a person who had been jogging down the street, ran up between our two cars, defecated, and ran away.”

This is why we can’t have nice things.

[via CBS News and New Jersey 101.5 and KSN]

Image via Flickr

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