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The Weekly Dump: Dookie Flinging Bandit

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ariel winter

I know, I know, I’m just a few days late with The Weekly Dump. But just like we all knew it would, this little shit-centric column has been chugging right along with Cleveland levels of steam and taking the interwebs by storm, so I’ve actually been pretty swamped with wading through plenty of major offers to take this thing mainstream. Fox News even expressed interest in having a Weekly Dump segment during Tucker Carlson Tonight. But, after deep deliberation and some quality toilet thinking, I decided that going the route of the corporate sellout would be doing a huge disservice to the fans. So here I stay, slugging it out in the trenches as always.

All that being said, huge week for The Weekly Dump, gang. Celebrity scandal, international intrigue, and political tomfoolery all in the same column. So let’s get into it, shall we? I hope you’re sitting down for this one. Preferably on something porcelain.

A Child Threw Dog Feces at Modern Family Star Ariel Winter’s Airbnb Rental

From People:

The actress was more than happy to return to the comfort of her own home following an “unfortunate” incident that happened at a house she was renting over the weekend.

“I come back from lunch to find s— thrown all over the front of the house I’m staying in,” Winter, 19, tweeted Sunday evening.

“I still can’t believe someone threw [poop] all over my Airbnb…like bruh I just got here with my scrabble chiiiiiiillllllll. Never been happier to go home,” she continued.

In a statement to PEOPLE on Tuesday, Airbnb spokesperson Jeff Henry said that the issue had been resolved.

“Our host reported this issue to us and immediately resolved it for our guest during the reservation. A neighbor’s child was playing near the listing and caused the unfortunate damage,” Henry said. “We have reached out to our guest to offer additional support. We work hard to make sure every guest has a great experience and want to make it right when things don’t go as expected.”

Al Fresco Turdmonger Haunts Grafarvogur Tunnel, Still At Large

From The Reykjavik Grapevine:

Iceland’s summer epidemic of outdoor pooping may have seemed to slow with the coming of winter, but one pedestrian tunnel in Grafarvogur is still being shat all over on a regular basis, reports MBL.

Ingólfur Guðmundsson, an employee of the Árvakur media company, filmed a long line of small dung piles in the tunnel. They’re definitely manmade, unless a local hound has inexplicably leapt a few rungs up the evolutionary ladder, and started using toilet paper, which was found on the scene.

Ingólfur notes that it is seemingly off-season for the unidentified shite bandit, having seen a decrease in incidences during November and December compared to usual.

You heard it here first, folks: 2018 is the year of the poop bandit. From Little Rock, Arkansas to Reykjavík, Iceland, serial shitters are cruising from shanty town to shanty town, unleashing their foul loads for all to see. Turning majestic countrysides and innocent neighborhoods into their own personal shitholes.

Oh, and speaking of shitholes…

New York Daily News uses poop emoji to respond to Trump’s vulgar comments

From The Week:

With the help of a poop emoji topped with a swoop of orangish hair, we now know where the New York Daily News stands on President Trump’s “shithole” comments.

Oh, wow. You got Donnie really good, New York Daily News. Classic prank! You turned him into an angry poop emoji and called him “S**t For Brains.” Which could technically mean a variety of things, considering that two crucial letters were asterisked out. Soot for Brains? Smut for Brains? Slut for Brains? Given the whole Stormy Daniels thing, maybe that last one could work.

Honestly, I’m no fan of Trump, but putting orange hair on an anthropomorphized piece of dookie doesn’t really make for a convincing anti-Trump argument. If anything, it’s just playing his game. And, when it comes to shit-slinging, no one beats Donald Trump. But you can catch more of my opinions on the matter during my Weekly Trump segment on Tucker Carlson Tonight.

[via People and The Reykjavik Grapevine and The Week]

Image via Flickr

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