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It must be so frustrating not being America. We always have the newest and coolest toys. What’s that, North Korea? You have a missile that you claim can reach our mainland? Wow that is super interesting, but before you go on let me show you this lethal laser gun we built that blows things out of the sky at the speed of light. Sorry to cut you off, so rude of us. You were saying something about an outdated shitty missile?
America is that kid you grow up with that always gets the best gifts for Christmas. You get a basketball and he gets a basketball hoop. You get a bicycle and he gets a go-kart. You get boat shoes he gets an actual boat. “It’s so awesome your parents bought you boat shoes. You should wear them this weekend when we take out my new boat.” He constantly dominates you at every turn. You and everyone else pretend you don’t care but deep down you hate him. You stay friends with him though because (aside from the sick center console he now owns) he also has a ski-in/ski-out mansion in Vail and you want that spring break invite. You really don’t have a choice but to be friends with him.
“We don’t have to lead a target,” Hughes explained. “We’re doing that engagement at the speed of light so it really is a point and shoot — we see it, we focus on it, and we can negate that target.”
For the test, the crew launched the target — a drone aircraft, a weapon in increasing use by Iran, North Korea, China, Russia and other adversaries.
In an instant, the drone’s wing lit up, heated to a temperature of thousands of degrees, lethally damaging the aircraft and sending it hurtling down to the sea.
Damn, we are relentless. We built drones and everyone was like hey that’s not fair we’re going to build drones, too! And we were like OMG such a good idea, do it! Knowing full well that by the time they built their drones we’d already have a futuristic death ray capable of blasting them out of the sky in a nanosecond.
I also love the military guy’s subtle jargon when he says we can “negate that target.” I’m going to start working that phrase into my everyday life. I didn’t black out last night; I just negated my brain. And in my brain’s negated state, I accidentally negated my girlfriend’s sorority sister, thus negating my relationship. I plan to use that phrase a minimum of two times per day until all of my friends hate me.
Today, the laser is intended primarily to disable or destroy aircraft and small boats. However, the Navy is developing more powerful, second-generation systems which would bring more significant targets into its crosshairs: missiles.
Those missions remain classified. However, the commander and crew are very much aware of the potential capabilities. When we asked Capt. Christopher
Wells if the current LaWS could shoot down a missile, he said simply “maybe” and smiled.
This fucking guy. So much for classified. The reporter asks him if the current laser can shoot down missiles and he gets all giddy like a teenage girl trying to keep a secret. Becky, did you kiss Johnny during recess? “Maybe hehe.” Cat’s out of the bag now, Wells. Thanks a lot, buddy.
Even though Wells blew our element of surprise, it’s really not a huge deal. At the end of the day we have a murder laser and they don’t. Nothing can cross into our airspace without running the risk of being instantaneously heated to a million degrees.
Iran, Russia, and North Korea can keep telling themselves and their people that they’ll take down America, but deep down they know the truth. And the truth is that while they’re all excited to be walking around in their new pair of boat shoes, America just unveiled the largest mega-yacht this world has ever seen. Checkmate..
Image via Shutterstock