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[This debate was held December 13, 2015, in the prestigious and historic chapter room of the Beta Delta fraternity house. The moderators, chosen by a vigorous game of roshambo, are Mark, an econ major who took a journalism class one time, and Edward, who probably cares about this a bit more than he actually should.]
Edward: Good evening, brothers of Beta Delta. Tonight will mark the one and only debate for chapter president to serve during the upcoming 2016 spring semester. The rules are simple: each person will be given a minute to respond when called upon, and only then are they allowed to speak unless they are directly mentioned by another candidate. These rules have been agreed upon by everyone except Todd, who, for some reason, we are still letting participate. I know you’re all anxious to hear what these tremendously underqualified candidates have to say about the issues, so let’s just jump right into it. Mark?
Mark: Yes. This first question is directed to all four of you. There recently have been more than a few rumors swirling about your drinking habits. How would you like to address them?
Todd: Well, let me just say I can outdrink any of these pussies on stage. Especially Chad. Kid can barely guzzle down a fifth over a long weekend.
Chad: Alright, let me set the record straight here. I believe you are referring to Fall Break 2014, and the well-known “Shellback Spill” incident. I did not intentionally spill that bottle to get out of drinking; I was already hammered from Brett’s day rage earlier in the afternoon and just tripped with the bottle open, alright? It is not a reflection of my true abilities.
Riley: Hey, you want a leader that can drink? I have the undisputed shotgun record. Set it my sophomore year on the porch of this very house. No other candidate can get down a beer faster than I, and no other candidate has the time to prove it.
Mark: Dane, any response?
Dane: Yeah, yeah… I’m actually kind of drunk right now haha.
Edward: Alright, moving on. In light of the recent Christmas tree fiasco and the growing aggression of our neighbors Rho Omega Psi, what measures would you take to prevent further attacks and destabilization in the Greek community?
Riley: A coalition. We need a coalition of forces, including the other top houses, to strategically pressure Rho Omega Psi into toning down their aggressive rhetoric. I will not commit any more pledges than necessary to fight this war with them, and will instead draw upon the community at large to solve this problem.
Chad: I disagree wholeheartedly. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: we need to proactively carpet bomb their entire front lawn with the rotten fish stick packages we found sitting in Chumps’ disconnected mini fridge two months after he left for study abroad. We have to come at this from a position of power, not weakness, and the fact is the rest of the Greek community looks to us for that leadership. Rho Omega Psi will know us, and they will fear us.
Todd: Listen, we have to be aggressive abroad, I agree. But we need extra defense here at home as well. That’s why I’ve proposed a strict ban on all Rho Omega Psis from coming to any of our parties or philanthropies. We need to be tough. We can’t screen them for prank attacks, and, while it may not be PC, it’s what the brothers want and what the brothers need. A leader has to protect.
Dane: Todd’s not even a serious candidate! Listen to these plans, they aren’t feasible or realistic. It’s not serious! We need real goals with real plans to solve these issues.
Todd: Dane, you are such a bitch. You’re a nice guy, but kind of a bitch.
Dane: Todd, you’re not going to insult your way to chapter presidency, okay? You’re just not.
Todd: I think I am, you longboard-loving whale banger.
[laughter and applause]
Mark: Alright, alright, let’s keep it civil, folks. Last question. Edward?
Edward: Yes, thank you, Mark. Our last question has to do with dues. Namely, people aren’t paying them. How would you stimulate our internal revenue to help with these fees and get people back to paying their dues?
Todd: Listen, I’m a senior business major. My GPA is off the charts; you all know this. I’ve built my Adderall distribution business from just moving a few pills here and there to being the main provider on campus. It’s obvious I can run a business. The treasurer knows me, and I’m confident we’ll get people back on their feet.
Riley: No, no, no. For too long we’ve been in a rigged fraternity, where our funds are controlled by a minority of business majors at the top, advancing only what’s good for themselves. Brothers are barely getting by on scholarship funds, working harder than ever for almost no reward. We need to go after the top 1% of alumni and redistribute their wealth to our chapter and make this fraternity free for all members. That’s how we’ll get our parties and philanthropies back on the right course.
Chad: I would promote more scholarships for brothers, fee discounts for paying on time, and reduced dues for early cash payers. Stiff penalties for late dues as well, like increased time as sober monitor and maybe even social probation. We need to incentivize paying dues on time and reward the brothers who work hard in school.
Dane: Just pay your fucking dues, guys.
Mark: Okay, well that wraps up this debate from the chapter room. You’ve all given us quite a lot to think about over the next fifteen minutes before we start voting. I’m going to go grab a beer and text Stacey, you can all fuck yourselves..