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The Tragic Removal Of President Julian

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“Revered Secretary Bruce Marcus, may I have a moment of your time?”

Bruce looked up from the Adderral pills he was organizing by numeral on his table and met the gaze of Executive Vice President Clay Phallicus, who was standing in the doorway to his chambers. A noted orator and well known auto-erotic asphyxiation celebrator, EVP Clay was a respected gentleman throughout the fraternity, so much so that he was elected to the venerable Executive President position by a near unanimous vote. The lone dissenter being a member of the brotherhood displeased with Clay for having stolen his girlfriend. A move Clay made on account of her big ass titties.

“Of course, EVP Clay. Please have a seat.”

Clay sat across from Bruce and looked off into the distance for some time before beginning.

“I have come to speak with you about President Julian Saladus. You are aware of the theme change of tonight’s party? From ‘Legionnaires and Shaved Downstairs’ to ‘Greek Freaks and Egyptian Chic?’ President Julian made the decision to make that switch unilaterally.”

Clay paused and turned toward Bruce.

“It is clearly stated in the bylaws that such a conclusion is to be voted upon by the entire Executive Board. This is not the first time that President Julian has made alterations to Fraternity events and customs without consulting the other members of the Exec Board. We have continuously talked to him about including us, but he has yet to consider our protests in his decisions. Quite frankly, a few elected members of the board and I are concerned that President Julian plans for this power imbalance to continue.” 

Bruce’s eyes narrowed as he realized where Clay’s statement was going.

“It is our intention to hold a vote among the Exec Board to remove President Julian from office at the next chapter meeting, and considering the gravitas of this matter, we need this vote to be unanimous.”

Bruce stared into Clay’s face, the desolate silence of the room around them an indication of the severity of what Clay had uttered aloud. Of all the Executive Board members, Bruce was the closest to Julian. They had grown up together, pledged together, and had even Eiffel towered a girl off of Craigslist together. If Bruce voted to remove him, it would be a betrayal of all their shared history. 

“What you are asking of me is treason” Bruce said. “Not only is it against our bylaws, but it flies in the face of everything this institution is supposed to be. How can an organization marked by brotherhood possibly justify the removal of one of its own from leading it?”

“Because if that man is allowed to continue ruling it, then it will be destroyed and re-made in his image,” Clay hissed. “President Julian does not have the fraternity’s best interest in mind when he takes action. Was it beneficial to the brotherhood when he rigged the Dream Girl vote to favor his girlfriend? Was it beneficial to the brotherhood when he used funds intended to fix the girl’s bathroom to build a Koi pond in the presidential suite?


Bruce rose from his seat, fists clenched with rage as he glared down at Clay. 

“How many of the other board members have you spoken to about this?” Bruce demanded. “What did they say when you presented them with this traitorous garbage?”

Clay rose to meet Bruce above the table, but softened his tone as he addressed him.

“They all stand with me, Bruce. I did not come here to fight or argue the merit of this action. I came here to appeal to your intelligence and sense of morality. We all know of your friendship with Julian, but we also know of your devotion to this fraternity. Please don’t be blinded by your bond. You must recognize the liberties Julian has taken with his position. You must see how his actions only benefit him, and erode the very structure upon which this organization is built. He has decreased our standing in the community with his antics, and strives to weaken the customs that have sustained us for eons. He wishes to turn this republic into an empire, and it falls to you and I and the other members of the Exec Board to take any means necessary to stop him. Our fraternity is in danger. 

Clay moved toward the door to Bruce’s room and looked back at Bruce as he turned the handle.

“At 10:00 tonight, the Exec Board will be having a meeting in my room in order to finalize our decision on this situation. We don’t think it will be necessary to alarm the greater brotherhood or President Julian to the nature of our gathering, so we are having it during the party as to not arouse concern. I know you have a philosophy examination tomorrow, but we require your presence there to discuss our next step. Please, think about our conversation before you do anything rash.”

As the door shut behind Clay, Bruce picked up his phone to text Julian about the plot to remove him from power. He quickly typed out an invitation for Julian to meet him at The Forum, a local bar known for cheap drink specials and loose female clientele, so that they may talk about the disloyalty of the other Exec members. Bruce’s thumb hovered over the send button, but something caused him to toss the phone back onto his table.

EVP Clay was right; Julian had been abusing his power as President. His manipulation of the Dream Girl vote had alienated the girls of Alpha Alpha Delta, the hottest sorority on campus. They were so angry about their candidate losing that they had canceled the Homecoming plans Bruce’s fraternity shared with them. Julian had also used social funds to throw his own birthday party, which he passed off as a fraternity event. He had even gone so far as to decree that the pledges would have Thursdays off from new member activities because his little brother, Austin Octavius, needed time to study. 

These actions disturbed Bruce, as he held the integrity of his brotherhood in high esteem. Maybe the board was right; Julian wasn’t good for the future of the fraternity. But how could Bruce betray a friendship in such a way? These questions plagued Bruce, so he tried to relegate them to the back of his mind and study. Instead, he found himself pensively checking his watch as he waited for the night’s meeting.

Finally, after hours of apprehension and angst, the sun dial on Bruce’s wrist read 10:00. Bruce left his room and walked through the house. As he trudged by the empty rooms belonging to the brothers who were attending the night’s party, Bruce pondered the consequences of this executive coup. By removing Julian from power, the board would effectively assassinate Julian’s standing in the fraternity and excommunicate him from the organization. Bruce knew that such an act could not be undone, but the path down which Julian was leading the fraternity was a treacherous one. Perhaps Julian had to die so that the brotherhood could live. 

Bruce arrived at Executive Vice President Clay’s room and raised his fist to knock. The door opened before his hand touched the wood, revealing to Bruce all the members of the Executive Board, sans President Julian. Bruce entered the space and looked into the faces of the conspirators around him in silence. Finally, Clay broke the quiet:

“Secretary Bruce Marcus, have you come to a conclusion?”

Bruce again looked into the eyes of each of his fellow board members, knowing there was no turning back from his decision.

“Gentlemen,” Bruce began. “At tomorrow’s chapter, we will reclaim the future of our beloved institution. Tomorrow, we will take our fraternity back.”

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Wooden hulled, three masted heavy frigate. Named by President George Washington.

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