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The NFL draft is here, and the question still looms as to who will go as the top picks this year. Manziel, Bridgewater, Clowney, and a slew of other players have spent the last year vying for the top spots in the draft, and they will eventually go to some of the worst teams in the league. At least they’ll get some of the best contracts out of their deals.
Everyone always ranks these guys in terms of their athletic prowess, but we all know the more important metric is the one that ranks their ability to pull top tier tail, party until the sun comes up, and maintain a general zero fucks policy while still kicking ass on game day.
5. Jeremy Hill
Jeremy Hill, former ball carrier for LSU, has had a few run-ins with trouble in his time. His most notable incident was when he punched a guy outside a bar, which got him in a little bit of hot water. That said, you have to admire the guy’s form on that punch. A+ effort. Obviously fond of going out to the bars, Hill sounds like the kind of guy who would have your back if things got ugly. This is great, because he’s kind of a giant, which is a great asset if you find yourself staring down a fight.
Plus, interviews with hot girls in bars.
4. Zach Mettenberger
UGA turned LSU quarterback Zach Mettenberger is the quarterback equivalent of that guy in your group who you’re always wary to go out with because crazy shit always happens when you do. You know, the kind of guy whose “Let’s get weird!” battle cry is less of a challenge and more of a statement of what is about to happen. While he’s a quality QB with some solid potential, Mettenberger isn’t gunshy when it comes to getting himself into trouble off the field, hence the whole leaving Georgia to go to LSU move, as well as a recent positive test for marijuana. Does that mean he needs the league to go 420 friendly to succeed? Only time will tell.
3. A.J. McCarron
A.J. has managed to cultivate a hell of a presence off the field in his time at Alabama. His biggest credit is that when he isn’t nailing passes down the field to an open wide receiver, he’s most likely nailing his supermodel fiancée, Katherine Webb. Seriously. If I was him, I would wife her up like, tomorrow. I can’t blame him for jumping into putting a ring on her. Judging from his Twitter account, he spends most of his time off the field hanging out with big names in every other sport known to man, like NASCAR and the NBA. He’s like Manziel, but he’s less likely to be someone you’d run into at a college party.
2. Blake Bortles
Another quarterback with a famous girlfriend, Bortles seems to have done a pretty solid job adjusting to the limelight, considering Lindsay Duke is killing it as a model right now. Her Instagram singlehandedly delayed the publication of this article. Beyond that, the guy seems to go all out for Halloween, as this photo of him dressed as a nun might very well indicate. His Instagram account is hilarious, and Bortles seems like the kind of guy who would fill the role of Bluto in any close group of friends, always coming up with dumb but hilarious ideas that will inevitably lead to someone getting in trouble. It’ll be nice to have more of that in the NFL. Maybe he’ll go to the Dolphins and get those guys to lighten up some.
1. Johnny Manziel
Okay, you all knew he was going to be the top prospect here. Between hanging out with rappers, flipping people off at parties, fake signing autographs after an autograph scandal, and hanging out with more hot women than Hugh Hefner on a daily basis, Manziel is a monster off the field. He’s truly in a league of his own there. I think he’s coming to the NFL looking to take over Gronk’s place as the guy with newsworthy antics, though as a quarterback he’s more likely to fall into “Broadway” Joe Namath territory if he manages to keep up his game.
If this is any indication, we should have another interesting year in the NFL, even if Gronk is done due to his injuries from the playoffs last year. I definitely can’t fault the addition of McCarron and Bortles though, especially because that means we get to see more of their smokeshow girlfriends.